


Kade Dies at the End

by dead_men_walk_among_us



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Blood and Gore, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-02-15 14:00:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13032654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dead_men_walk_among_us/pseuds/dead_men_walk_among_us
Summary: A small group finds themselves without the medical supplies they need to save one of their own. They know of a place where they can find what they’re lacking but getting it will be dangerous. They have no idea who they’re up against or what it is they’re getting into.





	1. March Into the Sea

Red and brown leaves slosh quietly beneath my boots as the chill morning air permeates my clothing. Dew from a thickly vegetated forest floor clings to my shoes as I walk, slides off and is replaced with more at each step. Every motion feels practiced and repetitive. Step delicately, listen, pause, listen again. Look, observe, wait for the threat to reveal itself. In this world there is always a threat. People, the dead, natural disasters, lack of food. If it's not one of them it's all of them at once. The moment you let yourself forget that is the moment you lose. When you allow yourself to feel safe, you lose. When you allow kindness to overshadow caution, you lose. You lose loved ones, your morals, your will to live, your sanity, your life.  
  
  
  
As I continue my patrol, spear poised to strike, my ear twitches. Automatically I reposition to face the source of the sound. A walker. Still pretty far. I'm downwind so it hasn't smelled me yet. Choosing each step, I approach unnoticed by my quarry. The trees are dense enough to avoid too much visibility. Now there are only ten yards separating us. Arm back, aim, throw. There is a dull _thwp_ as my spear impales the spot between blank, rotting eyes before being followed by the louder thud of its body falling amongst fall's cover of leaves. Removing my weapon and glancing around I see no more walkers, hear no more. Odd that this one had been only making noise with its feet, lacking the usual groans and rasps of the dead. A brief inspection reveals a torn throat: no voice box. As has become my habit, I take out my knife to cut through the rotting corpse’s stomach. Putrid and stinking but mercifully empty of any recent meals.  
  
After spending a further two hours meticulously patrolling my section I find twelve more walkers. That made 14 dead in total that morning, 4 filled to the brim with what looked to be human remains. Sightings were becoming more frequent these past few days. Human remnants in a walker didn't necessarily mean any other people were close to us but nonetheless unease began to settle in the pit of my stomach, making me feel somewhat queasy. Worst case scenario, there might be hostile humans not too far from us and a horde headed in our direction. Best case scenario, there is no horde, no hostile people, and whoever the walkers devoured had had someone to put a bullet in their head as the roving dead tore their flesh apart.   
  
  
  
Pondering and silent, I slip through the woods back to camp. Marvin has already cleared his assigned area and returned. Emma, hearing my approach, leaves the tent to greet me.  
  
“How was it this morning?”  
  
“Fourteen.”  
  
A smile flits across her face as she sits in front of the fire, rubbing her hands together. “Let me guess: you think there's a mass nearby.” Her mocking sends a clang of irritation through my mind's ever turning gears.   
  
“I think it's a possibility,” I reply, face and voice devoid of expression.   
  
“I found an abandoned campsite.” Marvin interrupts. He takes a seat across from Emma, appearing too interested in the piece of bread he's holding to look either of us in the eye.   
  
I pluck a slice from the loaf in our supply pack and spread a pitiful amount of peanut butter on it, allowing the uncomfortable silence to hang over us.   
  
“If there are more people nearby we need to eliminate them. Or move.” My own discomfort at this suggestion is shoved aside. An apocalypse doesn't leave room for hesitation. Hesitation gets you killed. Marvin and Emma cast tense glances from the corner of their eyes, agitation plain upon their faces.  
  
“I think it’s a very old campsite anyway,” Marvin amends. “I really doubt there’s anyone nearby. And anyway, we worked too hard to just pack up and move again at the slightest hint of trouble,” Marvin scarfes down the last of his breakfast, smacking his mouth as peanut butter gums it up. Somehow that fails to lessen the sting in his voice. “Finding a good spot to settle isn't easy. The place we have now has wells and water spigots, you think we'll find something like that again? Rebuilding what we've been able to accomplish somewhere else would take time we don't have, would cost more than we could pay. So I hope you understand the weight of what you're suggesting, _Kade_ . ” Marvin's frustration with me is apparent by the way he drops my name out of his mouth. “If there are people coming our way our choice doesn't have to be between killing them or avoiding them, we could...”  
  
“Don't.” My face is deceptively calm but my voice betrays my exasperation. “How many times will it take, Marvin? How many times will you give people a chance before you recognize the reality? What you're suggesting is exactly the kind of thinking that killed more than half of Rose Valley!” Already I regret my words but it's too late.  
  
“I know it's dangerous. I know the potential cost. I know, I _know_ .” Marvin lowers his voice with difficulty, a ghost of a lump forming in his throat. “But we need people to survive. What we have now isn't enough. If we ever want to rebuild this world we have to,”  
  
“Marvin…” I trial off, unsure how exactly to continue. I had always understood Marvin to be an optimist. But holding onto the hope that humanity could survive this apocalypse of walking dead? It was foolish, childish, pointless but worst of all it was dangerous to the day to day survival. “I can't. We can't. We lost _everything_. I can't do that again. I can't keep thinking about the future and worrying about the world. And Marvin,”  I pause to pointedly meet his gaze. “I don't want to have this conversation again. I don't want to argue with you. Let it go.”  
  
  
  
A hush replaces discussion as we attempt to warm ourselves. Marvin adjusts his hat over his dreadlocks, Emma pokes embers with a stick, her face scrunched up in thought. After about seven minutes the three of us begin tearing down camp to head back home, erasing any signs of our brief stay with painful care. Nervousness sets in when our watches read 8:50. Devashri has yet to return.  
  
“Should we radio her?” Emma holds the walkie-talkie up to me, fear creeping into her pale blue eyes.  
  
I merely return her look with a blank stare. Batteries are a precious commodity; walkie-talkies stay off until designated times. Devashri knew this as well as Emma did. It was unlikely she'd even bother trying the walkie until 9:15, supposing she really was in trouble. And she might not be. Might not be… but probably is. We stand in the clearing: tents, food and supplies packed away, all signs of our campsite now gone. Time drags by as we wait in the quiet of the forest. Nails scrape over bark as Marvin absently picks at a tree. Emma paces. My feet are planted firm, fingers itching, waiting for something, anything, to happen. Time seems to somehow stretch and grow longer as we wait but somehow 25 minutes pass. Again Emma holds up the walkie-talkie. This time I take it.  
  
Once it's turned on I keep my voice at a whisper. “Devashri, are you there? Over.” Much as I attempt to calm myself my thudding heart is a reminder of the fear. There is always fear, so much fear. Choking and squeezing, winding, bleeding, digging fear.   
  
The walkie crackles with a hushed voice. “I got surrounded, had to shimmy up a tree. No branches. I can't hold on too much longer, over.”  
  
“How many? Over.”  
  
Silence for nearly a minute, then, “About forty. Over.”  
  
I screw my eyes shut and let out my breath. Marvin curses, clutching his own forehead as his eyes rolled in helpless desperation.  
  
“What block are you in, over?”  
  
“I… they started to close me in, I got flustered. I ran and then more came. I think I'm in block five, over.”  
  
Emma hurriedly removes the map from her pack. Drawn over it in pencil is a square divided into four parts. Each of the four smaller squares contain nine blocks. Devashri had been patrolling the second square. Emma points to the fifth block of that section.  
  
Removing a knife from his jacket, Marvin carves a set of seemingly random notches in the tree he’d been picking at; a message for our friends should things go south. As we jog towards where Devashri is, or at least where she thinks she is, I radio her, letting her know we're coming before switching the walkie-talkie off.  
  
  
  
Long before we reach her I begin to hear them. Each gurgle and groan pierces my ears. Marvin grabs my shoulder, pointing upwards. Devashri is in her mid-forties, making her strength and dexterity all the more impressive. Still, I can see the strain in her limbs as she desperately holds tight around the tree. A trail of cuts and indents marks her hurried ascent, showing the path of her knives as she used them to climb. Her boots occasionally scramble against bark as she attempts to readjust or drive the precariously placed knives further into the tree for a better hold. She's not too far above the ground, probably about sixteen feet. How long has she been up there? A half hour, at the very least. It won't be too long before she begins to slip or the knives released their tenuous grips on the wood. As we each remove our heavy packs I motion for Emma and Marvin to stay put. Slinking up to the cluster I keep my eyes trained on the unmoving bodies lying a ways off from Devashri's tree. Nerve endings tingling, I hardly dare breathe as I close the distance. She sees me now and begins to yell, doing her best to hold the walker's attention. The bodies of the few she managed to kill are far enough away from the crowd of dead that I am able to successfully throw first one, then another over each shoulder. I lift them warily, watching that none of the dead’s ooze so much as touches my bare skin. My studded shoulder guards ease some of the awkwardness of carrying them by keeping both in place. Emma and Marvin aid me in taking them off the jutting spikes of my leather armor. I remove three canvas ponchos from my pack; each of us drapes one over our body. Months have passed since I’d been forced to resort to this, longer for Marvin and Emma. Our hands slosh in their innards as we cut them open to spread their smell over our coverings. Emma attempts to avoid getting the muck on her long blonde hair, neatly done in a braid, and Marvin, like me, takes out the more dangling entrails and wraps them about his body. A common unease fills us at having the infected flesh and blood so close.  
  
“Be ready to move in but stay back for now,” I whisper, drawing my knife and lurching towards the mini-horde. I've learned that even if your smell is mostly masked, moving as they do often helps deceive them. Knife in one hand, spear in the other, I begin my toil. This is what I was made for, what I am used to. Even before the end of the world, I knew I was built to fight. For the most part I work my way around them in a spiral formation, reaching around from behind to stab into their eyes before moving clockwise. Devashri's is able to continue holding their attention with her yells and cries.y muscles flex and stretch, not growing tired quite yet but beginning to feel discomfort. Seventeen down. More walkers begin turning away from the tree. They’re not totally aware of me yet, just aware of a change. Luckily the ooze I'm covered in buys me a bit more time; most of them lurch away aimlessly, unable to recognize the disturber of their ravenous congregation. Six more down, Emma and Marvin still hanging back, looking like walkers themselves. More and more of the beasts begin to lock onto me. Must be catching my scent over the rancid stench of my clothes. Movements quickening, I drop the charade. Fluidity and strength now characterize my attack. Practiced motions of jabbing, stabbing, killing… all are so second nature the fight feels rehearsed. Even as they follow me around the tree I cut down more and more of them. Hands reach out to me without ever catching hold. Jab, dodge, slice, move back, slice again. Ten more find their end at my weapons.  
  
Then it happens. The knives release their teeth from the bark. Devashri lets out a shriek and plummets, flailing to the ground. A single rotten body breaks her fall. Screams rattle through the air, coming from Devashri, the dead, my own mind. I have to be fast. Arm back, aim, throw. One down, my spear protruding from its skull. Aim, throw. My knife bulges from the skull of another. Six have surrounded Devashri. As I unstrap an axe as well as yet another knife from my belt she stumbles up. Her own weapon finds its way into two heads through the eye sockets but she teeters, losing her footing and once again falling prone. My hunter's knife gushes through the head of one, another, the third. I reach to pull the last walker off her. It's teeth crunch into her hand almost at the same time I'm grabbing its hair. I plunge the business end of my blade into its soft, decaying scalp with a jolt. Marvin and Emma have reached us now. Seconds. It had taken seconds for her to fall, for us to kill eight. For the ninth to bite her. For me to kill the ninth. Grabbing her arm I lay it flat to the ground. Before anyone else has even had a chance to digest the situation I bring the blade of the axe down against Devashri's arm with a mighty _crack_.  
  
Screams erupt as a quarter of her arm flops aside. For a moment I wonder if the screams are coming from me but then quickly realize they belong to Devashri.   
  
Marvin and Emma are nearly frozen, minds struggling to take in what’s just unfolded. “Hold her still,” I snap. Seeing Devashri in such staggering pain makes me sick but I push my bile down, focusing on the task at hand. Tearing a strip of my shirt off I grab a stick, wrap the cloth around her arm, then fold both ends of the cloth around the stick, twisting hard. My tourniquet helps stem the tide of red but she's losing blood fast. Devashri appears numb to the world. She wretches, more blood spilling out, shrieking all the while. Stepping back, far clear of the fresh wound, I remove my entrail-covered cloak, motioning for the others to do the same. Depositing them into a plastic bag, Emma ties it off tightly while Marvin busies himself gathering up all thrown or dropped weapons. Devashri’s eyes bulge in her head. Instead of agonized howls she’s now grinding her teeth, moaning. Biters shamble into view, starting to fill the woods around us. The screams were practically a dinner bell.  
  
Hoisting an incoherent Devashri onto my back I clasp her tightly. “ _Run_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the story feels too slow and is annoying you, just an FYI it starts to pick up around chapter 8.  
> As of 11-20-18 I'm going to be re-writing some parts of the story (most minor some more important) so if there are strange and obvious inconsistencies between chapters that's probably why.


	2. Red Springs

Devashri’s body moves up and down limply as my arms tighten around her legs. The daze she’s in almost keeps her from being able to cling onto me; she nearly falls from my back several times. Emma and Marvin move ahead, striking a spear into any dead that get too close. A congregation throngs behind us, desperately reaching out with hungry fingers. I dare not look back but their moaning overwhelms my ears. Attacking suites me better than playing carrier but I’m the only one with enough stamina to haul Devashri back. Blood oozes through the additional cloth wrappings where my ax severed her lower arm, beginning to leave a sticky trail along my own clothing. 

“Hold on,” I gasp. “We're almost there. Just hold on.” 

A small town comes into view as we crest a low hill: home. Dusty and unmoving it appears empty. Even though I know where to look, spotting the sentinels is difficult. They, however, see us immediately and begin sending runners to us. Though I can't make any out, I know there to be at least one hidden sniper covering our backs now, ready to pick off any of the frenzied biters should they get too close. I reach the opening gate and several people take Devashri from me, rushing her to our medical facility. Medical facility was perhaps too grand a term, considering how paltry it was. The gate clangs shut behind us; the dead crash against it with shrieking protest. Easy as it might be for the sentinel at the gate’s wooden guard tower to shoot them, she saves her bullets. Gunfire was loud and we preferred to avoiding making sound in favor of quieter methods. 

Walking to a bench I sit and attempt to catch my breath. Emma places herself gently besides me, cautious. 

“She'll be okay. She's strong. It was a good clean cut. The tourniquet kept her from losing too much blood.”

I stare at her, unblinking for a moment before turning away. 

“It's okay to be optimistic sometimes.” She takes my hand and pulls me to my feet. “Let's go get cleaned up.”

Marvin splits off from us now, going to his own house to scrub down. We head to ours, currently shared with several others. None are home at the moment. We stow our leather armor in our respective rooms before taking turns thoroughly washing in the tub. Emma goes first. As the sound of draining water reaches me she steps out, fresh clothes already on. Well, mostly fresh. As I run the faucet, cold water prickling my skin, I take what precious soap is necessary, sanding down my skin with brush bristles til it stings. My own outfit, gotten from a small collection of attire stuffed in a dresser, still smells vaguely of sweat. When I enter the backyard by the rear door Emma is already cleaning. Our clothes, the ones which had been underneath the gut covered cloaks, are pulled up and down a washboard as Emma furiously scours them. 

She sighs as I amble up to her. “I miss washers and dryers.”

“I doubt even a washer could get the dead’s stench off those, but at least we don’t have to burn these with the cloaks.”

“Let me miserably long for the good old days in peace, will you?”

I wait a few seconds, observing her eyes, misted over in melancholy as her mind takes her somewhere far away, somewhere safe and happy. “I miss them too. Washers and dryers, I mean. I miss working out at the dojo. And I miss bras that fit. And being woken up by Charlie jumping on my bed because he wanted to go for our morning walk.” Emma smiles appreciatively. “And I miss going to the beach, being able to call someone on a phone, and… ” I stop as someone comes through the back door. 

“What happened to Devashri?” Jared, one of our house mates and the son of Trisha stands on the porch, concerned. 

Trisha had been a homeschool, stay at home mom and an indispensible asset to the group. Time and again her knowledge about a seemingly endless number of things had not only been vastly useful but saved us. She and her children knew how to set traps for animals or people, understood all you could want to know about gardening, raising crops, caring for and breeding livestock, herbal remedies. Jared had been a part of those medieval fairs for years and knew a great deal about, and had experience in tanning and leather working. With a bit of time and help he'd created his own tannery before we’d had to move. Here it was a work in progress. We owed our armor to him. 

“She was chased up a tree by a group of biters. We killed most of them off but she fell out and was bit. Kade amputated,” Emma explains.

Jared stands aghast for a moment. “Do you think she… I mean, how bad is it?” I sense his unspoken questions:  _ Did you cut it off in time? Is she infected? Will she turn? _

I tune out the rest, focusing on a point in the distance. Much as I try to avoid it, my mind goes to Devashri’s son and daughter. They're probably with her now. I imagine little Dulari crying while her older brother Balaji holds back his own emotions to comforts her. Balaji was young but already he had the same hard, guarded look in his eyes I saw staring back at me any time I caught my reflection. Emma pulls me out of my revories with a tug on my arm. Jared has gone back in the house.

“Let’s go for a walk.”

I nod distractedly and follow her through the yard's gate .We meander aimlessly around quiet, empty streets for a while. Red Springs is quite a large town. Only a small portion sits inside the fence. When we'd first come, the barriers were already erected. Repairs had to be made but clearly some lot had carefully fortified this place. Holes in the wall, walkers, half-eaten bodies discovered at our arrival: all these gave a grim insight into the demise of the previous inhabitants. Our own group is meager compared to what it was before we found Red Springs, while we were still staying at Rose Valley. There are twenty-three of us now. Two of the group are doctors, or at least they were going to be. Neither had quite finished medical school, but they made due. We brought back any medical texts we got our hands on. And they always had plenty of cadavers for practice. Two were construction workers and three were ex-military. Other than Trisha and her two eldest, the rest of the group contributed in more menial ways: keeping watch, helping construct or move things, cooking, digging. We did a lot of digging. In our previous town we'd had houses with secret rooms dug into basements, hidden underground spaces throughout the camp. Places to hide at a moments notice. Achieving that here at Red Springs would take time.

Emma and I pass a few of those currently shoveling dirt as we amble along. They glance up as we go by. One runs to greet us: Rico.

“I heard Devashri was hurt. What happened?” 

Looking away I wait while Emma once again explains.

“Fuck man, is she gonna be okay?” He directs the question at me but Emma answers, assuring him of her opinion that everything will be just fine. 

“Alright. Well, uh, good job chopping her arm off so… well.” Now I turn to him, my face mostly expressionless with just a hint of absolute displeasure at his tactless comment underneath. He mumbles an apology as he heads back to the hole. 

“Let's help them for a while.” Emma motions to the diggers. I nod and follow her. 

The dull manual labor only intensifies the difficulty of distracting myself from thinking of Devashri. I toil in the dirt, unable to peel away the bloody images of crimson spewing from the wound, her brown hand sitting there, no longer a part of the body it once served. Feverishly I channel my frustration into each shovel full of earth. Drive the shovel in, lift, toss, repeat. Dig, lift, toss, repeat. Dig, dig, dig. Dig holes and moats, dig trenches and graves, dig more, dig more, dig more. A hand placed on my shoulder causes me to spin around, shovel raised. I come back to myself when I see Emma. The others are gone and I wonder how long I've been digging by myself. The sun is much higher now. Glancing at my watch I see it’s 12:24. 

“Let's grab some food. We'll see how she's doing.”

Climbing out of the hole I numbly follow Emma to the group pantry. People generally have some food in their houses here, mostly snacks, but the majority of what we scavenge or hunt is shared with the rest. Having a small group certainly offers drawbacks but the personal relationships with one another means it’s easier to get along. Usually. A strong sense of community is what has kept us strong, what has kept us alive. Trusting people who weren’t one of us was what had cost us so much. Rose Valley’s own naivete, a stranger's silver tongue, these had been the community's undoing. 

Herrick, who I suppose you'd call the head cook, had neatly laid out half sandwiches with a side of vegetables on the large table in the center of ‘the pantry’, which was just what we called the old restaurant we stored our food and ate in. There are twenty-six names carved on the table, though three are scratched out now. Most of the food is gone. Someone must have taken Devashri and her childrens’ lunch to them in the infirmary. Mine, Emma’s and Liam’s, one of the ex-soldiers, are still there. As we take a seat at a booth by the window, Herrick’s voice reaches us, spewing what I can only assume are Russian curses. Walking out of the kitchen he sees us, throwing a burned hand up, agitated. 

“That's rough buddy,” Emma says through a mouthful of sandwich, attempting to hide her smile at his overstated reactions.

“Yah yah. It happens.” He disappears into the kitchen again with more grumblings. 

Liam’s sandwich is still untouched when we leave for our ‘hospital’: the repurposed town hall. As we reach the door Emma briefly looks back to me before opening it, but my expression is reserved. We go through the main lobby down a hallway to room sixty-two. 

Devashri is sitting up with Dulari curled against her, deep in sleep, and Balaji resting in a bedside chair. Glancing at her sleeping children she gently waves us in. Daniel and Olivia, our medical staff, stand nearby, conversing in hushed voices. 

Emma carefully takes Devashri’s right hand in hers. “How are you?” 

Keeping her voice at a whisper she smiles and tells us how  _ well _ she's doing. What a stupid, useless lie. As her and Emma continue in menial conversation I walk over to the two doctors. 

“How's she looking?”

They exchange a glance before Daniel answers. “She's lost a lot of blood, but she should be fine. If the bite had infected her she’d be showing signs by now. You did good, Kade.”

I turn to stare at Devashri, taking in her smile, the gentle way she speaks, her long, dark hair. Though she’s far darker skinned and her facial features are totally different, her demeanor reminds me of my… I quickly shove away the useless thought, turning back to the doctors. “How are we doing on antibiotics?”

“Not great,” Olivia answers this time, her voice cold and flat as usual. “We need more. Painkillers have been gone for a while. I could use more gauze and needles. Rubbing alcohol is low. We've got some sleep aids left but we are severely lacking.” She lists off the lacking supplies with curt matter of factness. 

I nod; already aware of this. Trisha’s herbal concoctions could work in a pinch but were rarely a true substitute. “We've been looking when we go out, searching towns, cars, houses, stores. I'm starting to think everything near us has been picked clean.” 

Olivia opens her mouth, about to say something, but a warning glare from Daniel and she shuts it tight, stomping out of the room. 

Daniel and I are the only ones who eat dinner with Devashri and her two children that night. Everyone else goes to the pantry as usual. Daniel is telling some fantastical tale, both mother and children are totally transfixed. Mind wandering, I barely take in a single word. My stew tastes of nothing. Over and again my thoughts go to what Olivia had been about to say earlier. I suspect her thoughts, what she was going to suggest, but of course I can't be certain. Suddenly I'm pulled from my pondering as I notice the room has gone quiet, all eyes on me. 

“Hm?”

Daniel reiterates. “I was just telling Balaji and Dulari about that dragon you met while out on patrol last week. What was its name again?”

“Jerry,” I respond, catching on. Dulari would believe pretty much anything I told her, though I was careful not to take advantage of this trust. Not often, anyway. Her brow furrows as she looks from me, to her brother, her mother, Daniel, then back at me. “He helped us take care of some of the biters. Dragons don't normally do that sort of thing for humans, they prefer to stay in the clouds. That's where their homes are. But he came down just to help us.”

Dulari soaks in every word, eyes wide in awe. She'd just turned five and her mind was yet capable of believing a great many things. Balaji, now twelve, was unconvinced. Of course a boy of his age wouldn't believe in dragons anyway, but he was already beyond his years. Balaji’s young eyes had seen too much death. A hardness had crept into them, cynicism colored his perspective. Despite his age he was desensitized, ready to do whatever was necessary to defend those he loved. Seeing siblings eaten alive could do that to you. 

“Alright, that's enough stories. It's time for you to go to sleep.” Fervent protests from her daughter do nothing to dissuade Devashri. She wanted her children sleeping comfortably in their own beds, not sitting with their pained mother. Composing herself for their sake must be exhausting. 

I walk them back to their house, shared with several others. All of us were divided unevenly into four homes here. Devashri and her children lived with Olivia, Brooklyn, and Nathan. Brooklyn greeted me at the entrance, taking the hands of the little ones in her own. 

“Night,” she says, shutting the door. 

I linger on the porch a moment before heading to my own house. Trisha and Samuel are already asleep in their room but Trisha’s four children, Jared, Tracey, Emily and Jacob are playing cards in the kitchen. Marvin and Emma look on as the siblings bicker and tease. Momentarily I consider joining them but think better of it. I have a run tomorrow and don't want to be groggy. Sounds of their laughter float to my ears as I lay in my empty bedroom, waiting for sleep to find me. 


	3. The Dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kade goes on a run with three others. They discover a mini-horde trapped within a ravine but after dispensing them and returning to Red Springs, a much more pressing problem awaits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided I'm going to try to update once a week; two weeks seems way too long. Just a warning for anyone reading: the actual Walking Dead characters won't begin to appear until chapter 8, so I apologize for that. I'm really trying to write a some-what quality story so I want to take time to establish my own characters. That being said, beginning with chapter 11, things start to get much more exciting.

As soon as Brooklyn, Samuel, and Andrew arrive to the gate at 7:30 we set out on foot. The gates clang shut behind us and a shiver travels up my spine, settling in my head. Blaming this on the cold I continue walking alongside the others. Biters pop up now and again, nothing threatening. Already, the mass of incapacitated dead who had been at the gate yesterday had been moved farther away, but not too far. Their smell was a good mask for the town, usually deterring other walkers from wandering too close. We don’t bother with the houses and stores, we’d searched those a hundred times over. At this point our focus is on cars, hidden stashes, anything new. Of course we'll also check our traps to see if any animals had wandered into them. Today only one holds anything: a rabbit. Brooklyn removes and kills it with practiced motions, taking a few minutes to field dress the creature before stuffing it into a plastic grocery bag and loading the carcass into her pack. 

“Anything interesting happen on your run yesterday? I mean, besides, well…” Samuel stutters awkwardly. “You know, besides what happened to Devashri.” Samuel’s obviously uncomfortable with the silence that’s prevailed this morning and is making a lame attempt to start conversation. 

Shaking my head briefly, I turn back to the path ahead. Brooklyn, Andrew and I are perfectly happy to walk quietly but Samuel preferred small talk. Trisha, his wife, I suppose that's what you'd call her now, was unlike him in this aspect. She'd never been talkative, usually choosing attentive listening instead. Both of them had lost their original spouses, Trisha before the apocalypse, Samuel after. Within each other they'd found comfort, someone to provide a caring hand, a shoulder to cry on, a warm bed at night. No ceremony had ever officially bound them together, it was more of an unspoken arrangement. Still, at some point along the way, they'd exchanged rings. Jared, Trisha’s eldest, and the two youngest of her family liked him well enough but the second child, Tracey, despised him. Even after a year she gave him the cold shoulder and silent treatment. 

Ugly groans snap me away from my thoughts: walkers were nearby. Motioning for us to fan out I move forward. Walking a little ways I glance down the side of a narrow ravine. It was like looking down into a hive of large, hideous ants, there were so many dead crawling over one another. Must be at least seventy. This particular ravine sloped up to the crest of the small hill we'd just ascended then tapered for a few hundred feet. It looked to be an empty stream bed, just deep enough to keep the walkers from clambering out. A tree, which had clearly stood just at the edge of the ravin’s side, must have been loosed during a storm. It had slid down, taking a huge chunk of earth and rocks with it, leaving no way out for the dead. More and more had probably wandered in, drawn by the commotion of their brethren. 

“Should we leave them?” Samuel inquires of the group. 

Brooklyn and I both shake our heads. Brooklyn answers his concerned look with an explanation. “We need to find a way to kill them. If we don't there's always a risk of them getting out somehow and heading for us.” Pausing a moment, she continues slowly, her mind chewing through her own idea as she speaks it. “We could burn them.”

“In this cold weather we'd need gas to do that, and I'd rather not waste any. Don't want to go back to get it either. Besides, it's pretty wet down there. They all look fairly damp. Not likely to catch fire.” Andrew speaks for the first time that day and I nod my agreement. 

“We’ll just have to stand at the edges and spear them all through the head.” All three of them are displeased at my suggestion, but with no better options we set to work.

Spears raised, crouching down, we begin. Our precarious positions make it difficult to gain enough force to stab through their skulls so we focus on eye sockets instead. Even I’m forced to rest every few minutes, arm muscles aching at the strain. Cool winds blow across our now sweating brows as we stab again and again. Sitting back a moment to wipe my forehead I count how many are left: twenty-three. Once again I prepare to thrust my spear into the heads below. Before I even realize what’s happening earth is slipping out from under me. Flinging out my arms I reach for something, anything. Hands snap over thin air as I cascade into the pit.

Samuel begins to reach his arm out to me but snatches it back as the walkers move in my direction. No time to get out. I’ll have to fight them.

“Stay out!” With great effort I suppress panic. Panicking now would mean gruesome death. “Andrew, toss me your spear!” Andrew immediately throws it down at my feet. Quivering, it sticks out of the dirt beside me. Grabbing it I raise both his and my own, striking left and right. Emptying every stray thought I let my training take over. Muscle memory is a hell of a thing. Despite being under pressure my body knew how to take on adversaries, even a great number like this, even as my muscles have already grown tired. How to dodge, strike blows, push back, gain space. Gnashing teeth bite down on thick leather. I silently praise Jared’s workmanship as the leather holds up against the strain of rotted teeth. Most bites prove useless as the dead’s teeth are forced up through their now soft gums rather than through my armor's tough leather. Not much space left before my back is up against the fallen tree. Samuel, Brooklyn and Andrew are still on the sides, stabbing down at heads. My back hits bark. This is it. Only a handful left. Lining one spear up, I simultaneously pierce through two throats of those walkers farthest to my left, my other spear gushing into both bodies. Sweeping the heavy forms against the others to my right I create a space, just small enough to slip through. Unable to retrieve the spears I yank out a knife, raising my fists to a boxing position. As they throng around me my fist collides into heads, knocking a few back long enough to stab into whichever ones are closest. Nine remaining, simple enough to take out as I flit backwards. With more space the last few are easy pickings. A few more minutes is all I need before the last of them lies dead, truly dead, in the ravine’s shallow water. I survey my work, the unmoving bodies surrounding me, my gloved fists smeared with flecks of walker skin and juices. Silence fills the air as I turn back to climb out. Boots now fairly wet, I grasp Brooklyn’s hand, letting her help pull me up. 

She smiles at the expressions of Samuel and Andrew, raising an eyebrow. “So. That's the first time you've seen it for yourselves, huh?” 

“I always thought you and the others were exaggerating about Kade.” Samuel's mouth is agape. Andrew is attempting to hide his incredulous expression but not succeeding. 

“I've seen her take out larger hordes than that before,” she says as we walk on.

“Don't exaggerate,” I reply irritably. 

Pushing a few more miles rewards us with binoculars and some gas we hadn't syphoned yet. Mid afternoon is already underway by the time we are approaching the gates of Red Springs. Seconds after the doors begin moving outward Marvin shoots from between them. 

Lowering his voice he puts a hand on my shoulder, glancing at the others before leaning in. “You should come to the infirmary.”

Nerves on end my mind races towards a hundred different scenarios, none of them good. Face deadpan I nod to my three companions, rushing with Marvin to the town hall. Entering her room I immediately notice how pale Devashri is. Sweat drips down from her forehead, her dark bangs damp with the stuff. 

“It's infected.” Marvin's voice is still low, his eyes never leaving Devashri’s face. “Regular infection, I mean.”

Cauterizing her wound had been necessary to prevent her from bleeding out but had increased the likelihood this exact thing would happen. Trisha’s herbal salves had helped in other, more minor cases but had obviously fallen short with Devashri’s injury. Chances of a wound remaining uninfected were always low. In my mind I'd known this would happen. I'd been preparing for it the moment I hacked half her arm off.

Marvin takes a seat, running a cool cloth across her warm brow. I stand for a moment watching Devashri’s face twitch in her restless doze before walking into the room next door. Sure enough, there are Olivia and Daniel. Daniel is seated at the desk while Olivia leans over it, clearly in a hushed and heated discussion with one another. Both quiet as I enter. 

“Kade.” Daniel nods in my direction. I return the gesture, a silent question in my eyes. 

Olivia glances between me and Daniel, waiting for him to answer. Unable to take her glares any longer he looks away, uncomfortable. 

“There are barely any antibiotics left and it's gonna take a shit ton more than what we have to keep Devashri’s infection from killing her.” I could always count on Olivia to be frank. “Everything near us is cleared out. If we’re going to find what we need we have to send out search parties. Now we could look around blindly and  _ hope  _ we find something or,” Daniel scowls, willing her to stop but she ignores him. “we could go to where we know supplies are.” 

“And risk everything!” Daniel can barely contain himself. Lowering his voice with effort he continues. “We have no idea what we'd be facing and we could end up losing whoever goes. We could lead whoever it is we'd be stealing from right back to us! We’ve barely been here half a year, we can't afford to run again.”

“We don't have time to be safe about this. Devashri is going to die without the proper medication! And even if she didn't need it now, someone else will later.”

“Trisha knows a lot of herbal remedies, she could at least...”

“Oh, don't start with that again,” Olivia scoffs. 

“She’s right.” I cut in before Daniel can respond. “We don't have the time or manpower to search.” I know the place Olivia is referring to, the place containing the medicines we seek. I hate the idea of going anywhere near it again but searching blindly in every direction, spreading ourselves thin, that would be worse. 

He looks away, face contorted in vexation. He must know we're right but it's clear he doesn't want to admit it. Nothing’s said for nearly a minute before Daniel speaks up again. 

“Who… Who will go?”

I answer without hesitation. “Me. Marvin. Liam.”

Head resting in his hands Daniel releases an uneven sigh. When he looks up I see his eyes are glossy. “Fine. Get packed up tonight. Rest. This evening you can plan. We’ll meet up early to go over the basics and you can leave after that.”

I bob my head, moving back to Devashri’s room. 

She's awake now, talking with Marvin. Even with a fourth of her left arm gone, sweating with fever and infection, and, I can only assume, in massive pain, she's radiant. A pang shoots through my chest as she sees me and smiles, though I'm not totally sure why. 


	4. An Unexpected Addition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma doesn't want to be left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a song you'll see the lyrics to at the end called, "Sleepsong" by Secret Garden, I suggest listening to the song. It's really beautiful and it just isn't the same only reading it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m2xnPSRSSzU&list=PLOVPTldGwrN2dNqEOJk5ABRR_tqlr3_AG&index=2&ab_channel=EmmieByrd

Liam spreads out a map on the table in front of us. We're at the house I share with Trisha, her kids, Samuel, and Emma. They'd all gone to bed hours ago. A red marker has circled our destination, or at least the general area we need to head towards. Several other red dashes outline routes and alternate routes for the journey. Underneath are our packs and armor, some extra clothing, food, water, weapons, a few precious cans of gasoline, lighters, walkie talkies, tarps, bags, rope, binoculars, camouflage, two shovels. Everything we'll need for our trip is, if we're lucky, already there. We discuss our general approach, how we'll arrive, what to do if there are any deviations or unexpected disruptions. Highways were mostly clogged, of course. I know, and they know it too: no matter how long we spend preparing for the unexpected there's always a chance everything will go to shit anyway. Eventually Liam and Marvin leave for their house and I drag my tired body upstairs. Anxious thoughts can only plague me for a few minutes before sleep overtakes me. 

 

I wake with a start, grabbing and flipping open the switch blade that always rests under my pillow. When I see Emma standing there, looking cross, I relax a little. 

“So I hear you, Liam and Marvin are going on a little trip.” Her voice is uneven, I can tell she's trying to contain angry tears. 

I rise and begin to head past her to the bathroom but she bars my way. 

“I'm coming with you.” 

Grabbing her shoulders and turning her aside I push past. “No. You're not.” My voice is low and firm, the irritation carefully kept at bay. 

The others must still be sleeping because she's speaking in a frustrated whisper. “Don't you start with me! I'm sick of you trying to leave me out! I know how little you think of me but I can take care of myself.”

“You think this is about you being able to take care of yourself?” Now that I'm in the bathroom I spin to face her. “I know what you're capable of. I've seen you fight. I've taught you plenty. But I am not bringing more people than necessary and risking lives when we don't need to. Red Springs needs protecting too.”

“Oh, that's a lame excuse and you know it.” She snaps. “I'm surprised you're even letting anyone go with you at all on this suicide mission.”

“This is  _ not  _ going to be a suicide mission. Now get out.” I shove her through the door a bit more roughly than intended before quickly locking it. I can hear huffing outside, then the stomp of feet as she leaves. Truth be told she's partially right; I hate bringing Marvin and Liam but my plan would be impossible alone. As I remove my clothing and ease into the murky, frigid water of the tub I wonder if I'm really capable of stopping Emma from coming with us. Something inside tells me she'll be there whether I want her or not. 

As I use my towel to dry out my short hair a knock disturbs my thoughts. 

“You almost done?” The voice is quiet and undemanding, almost tentative. 

“Soon, Trish.” I dress back into my clothes before pulling the hair on top of my head into a wolf tail. The top is the only area of my head with hair now, the space beneath it buzzed. It used to trail down my back in a long braid but that proved too much of a giveaway whenever I was pretending to be a man. There had been many times I'd donned a mask of some sort and played at being male. Masks had become necessary in any gender switching charades; my face was too feminine. However my broad shoulders and muscled body could be easy to take for a man's if you were already under the impression I was one. Men were safer in this world than women. 

Trisha nods to me as she passes by into the lavatory. Before the lock has time to click I'm down the stairs and out the door, backpack stuffed. 

Liam and Marvin are already at the town hall in Daniel’s office. To my dismay Emma is seated there as well. Her arms cross over her chest as she stares defiantly in my direction. 

“Great, Kade, have a seat.” Daniel motions distractedly to an empty chair. “So here's what we know: on our way here, while we were looking for a place to live, we came across a station where supplies were routinely brought in. We know it's well stocked. We know there are at least a few dozen men and women guarding it. What more they're armed to the teeth and dangerous. We were barely able to escape detection and that group was part of the reason we made so certain to come this far. If you're smart you should be able to get there in eight hours, hopefully not more than twelve. Sneaking in is going to take some time, you'll need to learn their habits, patterns, and whatever the hell else they do with themselves.” He pauses before his next words, taking time to look each of us in the eye. “If you want to get away without bringing them down on us, you need to make it look like an accident. Find a way to get walkers in there, cause a disruption, get what you need, get out. We can't afford for you to show too much mercy. Now I'm not fond of stealing and potentially causing deaths but we've seen these people in action and I don't believe they're as… hospitable as we are. Still… I ask you only kill them if you must. And if you must…” At this Daniel’s eyes rest on Marvin. “don't hesitate.”

“I know what we're doing, what we may have to do.” Resolute determination fills his voice. “I'm prepared for it.”

“Good. Kade, Emma informs me you decided she will join you as well.” 

I refrain from disputing the point, instead acknowledging the statement with a slight tilt of my head. 

“If you have any goodbyes to say, say them now. You need to be gone in a half hour.” Daniel stands, dismissing us.

“Not like he told us anything we didn't already know,” Liam mumbles as we exit. 

“Briefings are just a part of the job, you should know that more than anyone.”

“Yeah thanks Marvin, I'll keep that in mind.”

We say goodbye to everyone together, starting with Devashri and her children. She tells us over and over how grateful she is. Next we say goodbye to Trisha, Samuel, and Trisha’s children, Jared, Tracey, Emily and Jacob. We visit John, Andrew and Brooklyn, who are keeping watch on various roof tops. Nathan and Henry are digging with Rico and his brother, Carlos, who we say goodbye to as we head to the pantry. Dante and Herrick are arguing over how to cook a particular dish as we enter. Herrick gives us each a package of Little Debbie's cupcakes, squished but more or less intact. A prized treat these days, something he'd been saving. Olivia is at the gate to see us off, the truck loaded. Each goodbye is hurried, as brief as possible. Despite our haste, we take the time to see everyone. Leaving on a long trip without saying farewells is something to avoid; you never know if you’ll see those people again. 

By 7:34 we're in the truck and on our way. The bed of the car has a dirt bike chained to it, rattling every now and then. The four of us are squished into the truck’s seat: Liam driving, Emma next to him, Marvin, then me. At the very least being so tightly squeezed together offers additional body heat. 

Liam drives for four hours before we pause to switch. Emma moves into the driver's seat and Liam takes my place at the right window. For Emma, three hours and a brief stop to fill the tank pass before she switches with Marvin. Liam and Emma rest while Marvin drives through much of the evening. Walker sightings have been sparse and I pray our luck holds out. If we can keep up this pace we should be there before the sun begins to set. At least, that's how long it'll take us to reach the place where we'll stash our vehicle and make camp. 

On the way down from Rose Valley, Pennsylvania, we'd had too many people and too few cars. Abandoning the cars left us with a long, arduous journey on foot. Even though we’d found usable vehicles riding in them wasn’t possible. Twenty-eight of us just couldn’t quite manage to squeeze into 2 or 3 vans and cars. Sometimes, when we had come across a car that worked, a few were sent ahead to quickly scope things out. Finding shelter during those cold winter months proved harsh and unforgiving work, but a large cave had provided us with protection from the weather. Biters were never as active during the cold, winter months. Still, Ricardo had fallen prey to one of the living dead buried in a snow drift. Cold and starvation had been the primary concern for the rest of us. We’d lost Karen to frostbite. Found her lying against a tree looking like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. Most likely she’d gotten turned around and been unable to find her way back to the shelter of the cave. Now that same cavern would serve as our hiding place. It was big enough for the truck and had room to spare for us. 

Sometime during Marvin’s drive I fall asleep, lulled by the gentle thrum of the engine. I'm awakened by someone shaking my shoulder. We've arrived in just under thirteen hours. Marvin had been supposed to switch with me but obviously decided against it. 

“We're here,” Marvin whispers in my ear. I'm momentarily startled at his closeness. I realize I'd fallen asleep against him. For one crazy second I'm tempted to wrap my arms around his torso, to hold him close. Dismayed with myself I angrily shove the thought away, practically falling out the passenger door in my eagerness to avoid the possibility of indulging the idea. Liam and Emma have already gotten a great deal of the gear out and most of it has found its place in the cave. Marvin must have decided to stay in the car so as not to wake me. Refraining from dwelling on that absorbs my focus and a bag full of tent poles almost escapes my grasp as I pull it from the trunk bed. 

“Get your head outta your ass, Kade.” Liam saunters up next to me, smiling. “You got those?” 

Casually, I carry the heavy bag of metal posts over to the pile of tents. He and I both know I'm more than strong enough. 

By the time every last item is unpacked and some preliminary defense measures set in place we go to bed, exhausted. Liam and Marvin have one tent, Emma and I the other. I feel awkward being so close to her now. Riding near her in the car, one or the other of us was usually asleep and separated by another person. I briefly wonder, then conclude, she must still be angry with me for trying to leave her behind again. 

“I understand why you didn't want me here.” Her whisper startles me. She has a truly uncanny ability to read me, no matter how much or how well I guard myself. “I know not wanting me tagging along was coming from a good place. But I hate being away from you. It drives me crazy. And anyway,” she moves closer to me now. “Being near you is the safest place I could be.”

Not really sure how to respond, I just say, “I'll always be here to protect you.”

Liam cuts into the silence with a whoop. “God _ damn _ that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard!” 

“ _ Shut up you moron _ ,” Marvin hisses through his teeth. A few thuds suggest punches accompanied the rebuke. 

“You better watch it.” Liam must have responded in kind because now it sounds like there's a scuffle going on. Marvin and Liam’s laughter echo in the cave as Emma shushes them, giggling herself. 

As they quiet down, chuckling every now and then, I think of the old days back in Rose Valley, when everything was comfortable, when we used to sit on porches and people would gossip over fences, and when Emma would sing sweet songs to put children to sleep. “Do you remember that lullaby you used to sing to Dulari?”

“Yeah I remember it.”

“...Sing it for us. Please.” 

For a minute she's quiet, then her soft, gentle voice fills the cave, its echoes reverberating back with a haunting beauty.

“ _ Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay _ _   
_ __ _ Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay _ _   
_ _   
_ __ _ Lay down your head and I'll sing you a lullaby _ _   
_ __ _ Back to the years of loo-li lai-lay _ _   
_ __ _ And I'll sing you to sleep and I'll sing you tomorrow _ _   
_ __ _ Bless you with love for the road that you go _ _   
_ _   
_ __ _ May you sail far to the far fields of fortune _ _   
_ __ _ With diamonds and pearls at your head and your feet _ _   
_ __ _ And may you need never to banish misfortune _ _   
_ __ _ May you find kindness in all that you meet _ _   
_ _   
_ __ _ May there always be angels to watch over you _ _   
_ __ _ To guide you each step of the way _ _   
_ __ _ To guard you and keep you safe from all harm _ _   
_ __ _ Loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay _ _   
_ _   
_ __ _ May you bring love and may you bring happiness _ _   
_ __ _ Be loved in return to the end of your days _ _   
_ __ _ Now fall off to sleep, I'm not meaning to keep you _ _   
_ __ __ I'll just sit for a while and sing loo-li, lai-lay.”

 

As sleep overtakes me her voice fills my dreams, playing through my head long after she’s stopped singing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are frustratingly slow, I know. But it is what it is. If you are still reading, a comment would be very encouraging.


	5. All on Your Shoulders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marvin and Kade have a little talk.

Morning comes too soon. I'm the first to hear it, the growling of the dead at our door. Some are impaled on the wooden spikes on either side of the truck, which sits in the middle of the entrance, blocking any walkers that might wander through. Some others shuffle behind the blockade and their skewered brethren, waiting for an opening. Cautious not to wake Emma I crawl out, spear in hand. Only nine here, easily disposed of. Before I can pierce the fourth walker Marvin is on the other side of the truck, finishing the ones stuck on the opposite fence. 

His bloodied knife tucked back in his belt, he walks over to me. “We need to talk.” 

My blank expression hides the sudden unease in my stomach. “Sure.”

I begin walking towards the back of the cave but Marvin takes my arm. “Let's walk outside.”

“Oh. Alright. I'll let them know we're going out.”

Again, he pulls me to him. “Liam’s awake, he knows we're going out.”

With no excuses left I follow him over the truck and into the frigid morning air. As he jumps off the front of the vehicle ahead of me his bow and arrows barely stir. His ability to move stealthily with them across his back are a testament to his own outstanding gracefulness and kinesthetic intelligence. My knives, strapped to various areas of my body, are the only weapons I bring. 

A break in the silence seems distant but my patience is considerable. The leaves are crisper here; soft crunches sound beneath our feet as we traverse the green, red, and orange speckled landscape. As quiet continues I begin to feel more at ease, focusing on the hushed sounds and brisk wind. 

“I wanted to talk about the other day. When we argued about, well… other people. People outside our group. And you brought up what happened.”

A stab shoots through my heart at their names. It’s been months but the wounds are still fresh inside me. Again I wait for him to speak.

“Do you… do you blame me?” 

I begin to desperately wish I had stayed in the cave after all. This was not something I wanted to get into. Painfully aware of the quietude I think how best to respond. “... No. I don't think it was your fault. You… weren't ready to face the truth of this world. You were just…” Once more I pause, searching for what to say. “being who you are. Ultimately you were doing what you thought was right. It was the wrong decision but you had put your trust in good people before and it payed off then. Anyway it wasn't just you. A lot of others were fooled by them too.” I can taste the hollow bitterness in my own voice as I go on. “I'm the one who knew better. I'm the one who should have put my foot down.”

“I'm going to leave aside the condescension of ‘You guys were fooled by them because of being naive and gullible people’ and address the ‘I'm the one who should have known better.’ Do you… I mean you don't actually blame yourself, do you?” His eyebrows are furrowed, face fixed in an expression of shocked irritation. 

A shrug is my only response but he senses the unspoken lie. He and Emma could be so infuriating in their ability to read me.

His eyes fall shut as he rubs the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger, clearly exasperated. “You can’t keep carrying everything on your shoulders. This guilt complex has gotta stop. Me, the others who trusted Lu…” He catches himself before the name slips out. “Those of us who trusted him should have known better and been more careful. We…  _ I _ played a part in what happened that night. But I can't keep blaming myself. It took time but I let it go. Killing myself over it won't change anything. Now the most I can do is learn from that mistake. But you, who didn't want them there in the first place, you've somehow managed to twist the story around in your head so you can point the blame back at yourself. Your caution was the reason any of us were able to escape at all. And yet you take it upon yourself to be tortured for every bad thing that happens. Even with Devashri, you blame yourself. I know you do.”

Many responses spring to mind but I bite them back. I have to think about what I say, choose my words carefully. “So you feel you've learned from your mistake? You've come to understand what's necessary in this world, is that it?” The right words, whatever they might be, just aren't there. All I have is the fury building inside me. “We  _ just _ had this conversation. You seem to feel we need to preserve other humans, to give them a chance. When you found that campsite and I said people nearby would mean we had to move or kill them I  _ meant _ kill them. That's what we have left. The only law is kill or be killed. And if that results in ending people who don't actually mean us any harm then so be it because I will  _ not  _ lose anyone else, goddammit!” 

Now I can see the anger in his eyes bubbling over. Unlike me he sighs and pulls it back with ease. He turns, gently taking my hand, grasping it more firmly when I half-heartedly pull away. Again he allows silence to cover us in its comforting embrace. A minute passes like this before he walks on, releasing my hand. I hesitate only a moment before following.

“Let’s hunt,” he says in an undertone. With one fluid motion he takes the bow from his back and fits an arrow to it. Even though he'd had no idea how to use such a weapon before the outbreaks, Marvin had quickly become a master under Tracey’s tutelage. 

From the moment he, Emma and I stumbled onto Trisha’s farm Marvin had taken a liking to the bow and arrow. Of course Tracey had been pointing it at us back then, more than two years ago. My God, two years. With all that had happened between then and now two years didn't seem enough time to contain everything we went through. 

We spend the next few hours tracking what we're pretty sure is a single deer. Finding its trail was lucky but we'll need a great deal more luck if we're going to catch it. Tracking was another skill we'd gained from Trisha and her family. Too bad Liam wasn't with us, he was much better at it. Still, after an hour and a half and to my utter bewilderment, I spot it. Marvin raises his weapon slowly when I point the animal out to him. An arrow catches the deer through the neck. No matter how many times I saw Marvin's arrow find its target, I still give out a little gasp when I see him shoot. A couple of yards is as far as the doe gets in leaps and bounds before it falls to the earth, twitching. Marvin catches up quickly. He fits another bolt at close range, aiming for its eye, the target he had meant for the first strike. A fleeting second passes as he watches the creature struggling, blood spilling into a puddle across the leaves. The moment before the kill. An understanding seems to pass between prey and hunter. An understanding of an end, of the power of one, the helplessness of the other. More blood gushes out from the beast as the arrow strikes its socket. 

Mumbling, he bemoans not killing it in one shot.

_ ‘It didn’t suffer long’  _ is the only condolence I offer. Unfortunate that he had missed, sure, but she hadn’t been in pain long. He had tried his best, what else was there? 

After hauling her onto a tarp from Marvin's pack I ready several knives and don latex gloves, also from Marvin's knapsack. I start by cutting the skin around the anus, slicing along the pelvic bone. Cutting the fuzzy mammary glands I fling them aside, then slit a hole above the pelvis through the skin, getting through the muscle wall. Holding up the underside of the deer by way of the incision I've just made, my knife moves upwards, cutting the skin of its belly from groin to ribs, all the while ensuring my blade stays clear of the organs underneath. Once I reach the ribcage I switch out the smaller, more delicate blade for a larger one. The bone splits with some difficulty as I cut from inside, pulling up against the ribs. After this I detach the trachea and esophagus at the top, take hold, and begin to yank the viscera out. 

“You forgot to cut away the diaphragm,” Marvin reminds me. “You should cut the pelvic bone open too, before you start pulling everything out. And hold the bladder while you do it or you might cut it open.” I nod and follow his instructions. Again I grab the trachea and start sliding the trail of organs out, cutting away anything still attaching it to the deer as I go. 

“You got any plastic bags?” I inquire, placing the tangle of deer guts to the side. 

He nods, producing two. Guts safely stowed in grocery bags I turn the beast over. What remains of her blood flows down the blue plastic before soaking into dirt. 

I sit back and wait now as crimson waves slide out of the carcass. 

“You’ve gotten pretty good at that.”

“Field dressing a deer is nothing. Shooting a deer with an arrow from fifty yards away, now that’s an accomplishment.”

A grin spreads across his face. “For most people, maybe. For me that's pretty standard.”

“Fuck. You.” I turn away to hide my grin. 

He knows I’m jealous of his ability with a bow. He’s even a better archer than Tracey now. My aim was good and I could throw a knife through a moving bird at twenty yards but just never wholly got the knack of shooting arrows. 

For a few more minutes the twitter of birds amongst the trees is all that fills the woods. Gurgling, moaning voices and shuffling footsteps shortly replace birdsong as walkers begin to appear around us. 

“I’m surprised they didn’t smell this sooner,” Marvin comments nonchalantly. We’d expected this, the dead were always draw by the smell of the recently dead. Twelve walkers were all that came, easy enough to dispose of. 

 

“We should head back.”

Our watches read 9:28 as we start towards the cave. Some blood is still sliding out the sides of the tarp but is kept from soiling my clothes as I haul the deer and its innards on my shoulders. 

Liam and Emma are perched aside the fire they started while Marvin and I were out. Both jump up excitedly as they see what I’m carrying. Liam brings a rope with him as he climbs over the truck and we hang the deer from the tree closest to the cave. Getting the deer high enough to keep it out of reach of any walkers proves problematic but we manage. 

“Now we just have to let this bad girl hang out all night and bring her to the butcher first thing tomorrow for skinnin’.” Liam looks at each of us in turn, beaming. “Or, did you want to save some gas and have me do it?” 

By way of answer I unstrap one of the knives from my belt, pressing it into his chest as I walk by. 

“This isn’t the right knife for skinning, smartass!” He calls after me. Jumping down from the truck into the cave I turn and flip him the double bird salute. 

Since the deer wouldn't be ready to eat until tomorrow Marvin sets to work boiling the animal’s liver, heart, kidneys, any part of its insides he deemed edible. We also delve into our Red Springs supplies for fruit and bread. 

“Just when I thought I couldn’t get any more sick of dried fruit and peanut butter bread… I didn’t. This stuff is really starting to grow on me.” Liam brushes his hands on his pants before digging into his portion. “Maybe it's nearly starving to death that did it.”

“You know,” Emma starts as she takes her seat next to me. “it is 10:16. This is brunch now, not breakfast.”

“It’s not brunch unless you got mimosas. You have any mimosas?” Liam stares at her in mock suspicion. “You been holding out on me?” 

“No, sorry. No mimosas. I guess it’s just late breakfast.”

“Don’t listen to her Liam. We have mimosas, we just don’t share them with you.”

Liam turns to Marvin, a cartoonish glare distorting his face. “I  _ knew  _ it. Where are you hiding them? Kade has them, doesn’t she? Oh, wait… never mind, I’m sure she has more than enough weight to carry around, what with all those knives… and the truly enormous stick up her butt.” 

Stuffing the remainder of a liver portion in my mouth I stand. “Them’s fightin’ words. You better square up.”

By way of answer Liam gets to his feet. “Alright, let’s do this.” Crumbs and peanut butter chunks spew from his lips as he speaks.

Emma and Marvin watch as we take a few steps from the fire. 

“Please, no punches this time,” Emma begs.

“No promises, kiddo.” 

“I wasn’t really worried about  _ you  _ landing any punches, I was talking to Kade.” 

Mimicking me he walks back towards the fire. “Them’s fightin’ words, sister, you better square up.” 

I pull him back, raising my fists. “Me first.” 

By dinner time the shiner on Liam’s left eye is a nice, dark shade of purple, complimented by various bruises along his arm and, I'm certain, more bruises across his torso. Our fights always ended the same. I'd dance around him, dodge his blows, tire him out for a few minutes. Then I'd go in for a punch or kick to the face. All in good fun, of course. We both enjoyed it, even if it did occasionally get rough. 

Evening descends like a gentle warning of tomorrow and what it may bring and we sit with our small meals at our feet, maps and markers spread across the floor. Discussing intently, planning deliberately. Tomorrow the real work was to begin. Marvin and I would head out to the area we knew our target was to mark the exact location of the base on our maps. Most of our day would be spent doing reconnaissance. Emma and Liam were going to be working on digging and camouflaging various hideaways near camp. We’d already begun on a few before dinner. 

Tonight when we settle into our tents there is no conversation. Each of us is consumed with our own thoughts and fears of what the next day will bring. Lids heavy, my eyes fall shut and sleep envelops me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just a tad late on the update, aren't I?


	6. The Value of a Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scouting, decisions of killing or sparing, and the weight of memories repressed.

Beeping pulls me from unconsciousness and into morning. A click sounds from my watch as I turn off the alarm. Five o’clock felt too early. These stiff rocks weren't much for a good night's sleep. Soft beds back home had rendered my body sensitized to discomfort. Leaving the tent I stretch luxuriously, taking my time, a long but quiet yawn escaping my mouth. A bit sore and wiping the sleep from my eyes I move farther back in the cave. Lengthwise there's nearly one hundred yards from entrance to end. Each stretch invigorates me, building the anticipation before the real workout starts. As I transition into the grit of it: push-ups, lunges, high kicks… everything else fades away. There is only me, my own body, my strength, my ability to improve. Sweat drips from my clothing, a testament to this strenuous undertaking. An hour passes like this with brief rests between sets. For the next hour yoga is my focus. My mind empties of all but the pose I'm currently in or the pose I'm about to do. Then, finally, for five minutes, I lay on my back, thinking of almost nothing. 

Regrettably the five minutes is over and now I'm forced to face the day: my tasks, my dread. Emma and Liam are easy enough to wake but Marvin is in an unusually deep sleep. 

“Hey.” I poke him roughly. “Hey.” A little louder now. Growing impatient I continue prodding him. “HEY!” Still nothing. Rapidly becoming fed up I slap him upside his head. 

With a snort he's finally conscious. “What the hell?” he mumbles.

“Wake up sooner next time.” 

Breakfast today is canned fruits, vegetables from the Red Springs garden, and a can of broth. Focusing on the tastes and textures of the food I refrain from spending too much thought on what dangers this new day will bring. Despite the workout my appetite was non-existent this morning but I couldn't afford not to eat. Following breakfast Marvin and I stuff ours packs with food, water, weapons, rope, another tarp, binoculars, bags, and guns. Of course he wears his bow and arrow and I have my knife and spear. Camouflaged ponchos hung with fake leaves and pine needles will aid us in blending into our environment. We hope, at any rate. 

Hesitantly, Marvin speaks. “I guess that's… everything.” 

Nodding I turn to Liam. “See you tonight. Save me some of that deer.” I pull him into a brief but tight embrace. 

He and Marvin hug next, slapping one another on the back. Without saying anything I hug Emma closely. As I ready to tug away she pulls me back in. “Be safe.” Her whisper tickles my ear and I can hear the tears she's holding back. 

“Don't worry, everything is going to be fine. They'll never know we were there.” Placing my hands against her shoulder I push away from her hug now. Her emotional reaction was making me uncomfortable. 

“You take care of this idiot, Marvin,” Emma commands, wrapping her arms around him. 

“You know I will. I always do.”

“No need to get all emotional Emma.” Liam places a hand on her shoulder and leans in, whispering in a conspiratorial tone. “We couldn't get rid of their ugly mugs if we tried. They're like  _ cockroaches _ .” 

“Still sore about that kick, huh?” I allow myself a fleeting smile as I glance at him. 

“Just my eye is sore, thanks,” he retorts. 

Marvin and I have to go on foot. No one should be expecting us but neither are we sure what to expect ourselves. Beginning at the road we drove down with the truck we head in the opposite direction we arrived from. Of course we stay to the side of the road, ready to fall to the ground should someone approach. At this point we're banking on only having to deal with cars. If people are mucking about in the woods our camouflage should be enough but a close inspection might give us away in the daylight. At first the plan was to start out during darker hours. Ultimately we determined wandering around at night in an unfamiliar area would be more dangerous. Walkers were more active at night anyhow. Of course we meet a few on our way, no avoiding that. To Marvin's chagrin I insist on cutting them open to check for any humans they might be digesting. Each was empty. 

“Well, no walkers around these parts seem to be getting many meals. And their numbers are low. I wonder if these guys keep the population controlled like we try to do…” My mind is alive with wild thoughts. Something in my gut tells me we're in over our heads but I ignore it.

Three hours pass as we continue next to the road without incident. Suddenly my ear is twitching; Marvin hears it too: cars in the distance. We drop to the forest floor immediately. Each heartbeat is like a thunderclap in my ears. Marvin is trying to quiet his breathing beside me. A few minutes pass as the roar of engines grow louder. There's definitely more than one. Two cars and a few people on motorcycles; these ass holes must be swimming in gasoline. Even as the sounds die we wait. A few miserable minutes drag by us. 

A whisper comes from Marvin. “Get up?”

I glance around before standing slowly. “I think we're good. We should be more careful from here on in.” 

He nods, a grim smile spreading across his face. “Sure.  _ More  _ careful than moving through the woods decked out in camouflage, armor, and weapons while barely talking. Got it.”

Progress is severely slowed as we move with greater stealth. In a strange way it's nice; the quiet of the forest, the cool breeze. A chance to enjoy the calm before the inevitable shit storm that was to come. I let my mind empty of everything save the sounds around me. For a long stretch of time we don't even see any walkers. I'm glad I'm with Marvin to share in these precious, tranquil moments. 

By a few hours after noon and a great deal of circling, we've spotted it: the base. This is what holds the life saving medicines we so desperately need. We maneuver around to a distant vantage point that still offers adequate visibility. A ditch, possibly a long run dry stream bed, gives us a comfortable place to hide. Marvin and I take turns giving reports of every inane detail of the goings on to the other, who writes them down in a notebook. There seems to be no discernable schedule, only random comings and goings. Whoever the current lookouts are wait to open the door until whoever wants in announces themselves, then the two current guards open the door to let them pass. A fence surrounds the compound, separating it from the forest. Other than this we don't discover too much. 

We wait until dusk to begin the journey back. Being seen by anyone from the stronghold isn't of much concern now. Retracing our steps and following the map proves easy enough, despite the darkening sky. We spot five dead but decide to leave them. No point in killing walkers so close to our enemies. Every step of the way my mind is filled with the plans already forming. As we finally near the cave entrance I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. Both our friends leap up to greet us as they see our faces in the dark, reflecting the dim fire light. 

“How was it?”

“What did you find out? Are you sure no one followed you?”

“Could you get a count of how many there were?” 

I put my hands up, silencing them and look to Marvin. 

“Two guards are inside at the door, always. They wait for whoever is there to announce themselves and then let them in. We counted thirteen coming and going at various times but I'm sure they have more people than that. They switch the guards every couple of hours and there's a fence between them and the forest.” 

“The way I see it, we have two options,” I begin. “We go in at night. I'll sneak up to the door, pick any necessary locks, and kill the guards inside. Liam will go in with me, cover me. We'll sneak around, take what we can. Avoid anyone seeing us if possible. Kill anyone we need to. Come back out and never look back. We're far away so there's a good chance they won't find us, especially if we leave their other supplies alone. No guns or food, just the medicines we need.” I cease speaking a moment, looking pointedly into each of their eyes before I continue. “But sneaking around, searching for the meds… There's no way to know how long that'll take. It could go south real fast.” Taking a deep breath I prepare for the absolutely ludicrous suggestion I'm about to make. “So then there's option two: I pick the lock, all four of us go in and we kill them all.” Both are insane plans. They know it as well as I do, judging from the looks on their faces. “I don't like the idea of slinking around the base for who knows how long hoping no one spots Liam or I. If anyone raises an alarm we'll be dead. No way️ we'll get out. But if we're killing them as we go, I think we have a chance. Option two is our best bet.”

Several minutes pass in dumbfounded, pondering silence. Finally, Liam speaks. 

“Just… killing all those people… while they sleep? That doesn't seem right. We barely know anything about them. But…” He shifts his eyes to the ground as he continues. “If we did kill all of them, we wouldn't just be getting medical supplies. We'd be getting food, cars, weapons. Who knows what else they have? I don't like it but it's a higher payoff.” 

“You've got to be fucking kidding me.” Emma's words are coated with disdain. “These are _ human beings _ we're talking about. A lot of them. We can't just kill them in cold blood because we want to steal from them. That makes us no better than… than someone like Luke.” 

As she speaks the name of the man who had caused us so much pain, who had betrayed us to pillagers, killed us, taken Rose Valley away from us, my blood boils. The power and effect his name has on me is instantaneous. “DON'T say his fucking name Emma, don't you  _ EVER _ fucking say it again!” Before I even realize what I'm doing I've grabbed her by the shirt, shoving her up against the cave wall. My shouts echo hollowly before dying away. She tries to push me away but is unable to free herself. With a final shove I release her, a familiar shame creeping into my heart. However I don't allow her to see my regret for my treatment of her. Instead I look to Marvin, waiting for him to take Emma's side. His own expression conveys his anger with me, his unwillingness to understand what needs to be done. 

“I won't help you slaughter these people, Kade. We can all sneak in and cover each other. We'll search for their medicine together and leave once we've got it. And we’re not killing the guards either. We only need to incapacitate them. Unless anyone attacks us no one dies. I refuse to let us become the kind of people who murder when it suits them.”

Liam chews his lip, turning over the arguments. “I think… I think Marvin and Emma are right. I say we go with option one.”

Glancing to each in turn I grit my teeth. “Fine.”

The plan was settled, unhappy as I am with it. Three to one left no room for arguments. Tomorrow I'd dig a few hiding spots near their base. If we were discovered and somehow able to escape the building we'd need a quick escape. I'd also need to clip an opening through the fence but I'd be forced to wait until dark for that. 

 

Deer serves as dinner. Liam, of course, skinned it and Emma cooked. They'd had some for lunch earlier and now we all sat, filling our bellies with the meat. We'd need to eat it quickly, it wasn't going to take long for it to spoil. Tough and salty, the deer is still the best meal I've had in awhile. Supper passes without much talk. Several hiding holes were dug and covered while Marvin and I were out. The two of them had been busy. Before retiring to bed we sit in the heat of the fire a while longer before letting it die away. 

Sleep eludes me for many hours. Emma had dropped off long ago but I can't keep from tossing and turning. After a half hour of restlessness I decide to give up for a while and go out instead. Climbing to the top of the truck I sit there, transfixed by the moon filling the sky. Eventually my thoughts wander to Devashri. What antibiotics we have should still be enough for a few more days. Shivers run up and down my spine while the frigid autumn air makes my skin prickle. Hugging my knees tight I'm suddenly overcome with a memory long forgotten: June, sitting next to me on the balcony at the family's summer home. Dad working late, so it was just the two of us. It had been cool that night too. She was reciting a poem she read from a book of mine. Unbidden, the last verse springs to my lips. 

“Ickle Me, Pickle Me, Tickle too

Never returned to the world they knew,

And nobody knows what's happened to

Dear Ickle Me, Pickle Me,  Tickle Me too. ” 

Like a ton of bricks the full weight of the memory nearly takes my breath away. So long, it had been so long since I’d thought of her. Other images begin to cluster around my mind, bouncing back and forth, hitting the sides of my skull like lighting. Blood, screaming, the sickening sounds of crunching bones and tearing skin. Bloodied knuckles, blinding rage, the taste of bile filling my mouth. 

Before I can stop myself I’m leaping off the truck. At the very second I hit the ground I’m running. Each bound reverberates up my legs. Trees fly past, my feet rustle leaves.  _ Thump, swish, thump swish _ . I focus on the thudding of my steps, on the cold air rushing over me. Monotonous footfalls fill my ears, frosty winds stab through my lungs. Each breath hurts but still I push on. Wheezing rasps burst out of me, still I run. Not until my coughs taste like iron do I cease. Spitting I see no blood. Listening closely I hear no walkers, only my wretched gasps. Again I look at the moon, suddenly hypnotized by its bright light. My breathing calms after a few minutes. Glancing at my bare feet I notice a few cuts and scrapes. Jogging I begin to head back to the cave. No one seems to have been disturbed, all three sleep soundly. This time when I lie down I fall asleep before I even realize it’s happening. 


	7. A Long Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As it turns out, knowing your life may soon come to an end can make you a little crazy and irrational.

Emma is shaking me awake. My watch’s alarm woke her up before me. 

“TurnthatdamnthingoffsoIcangobacktosleep.” Her words are slurred together mumbles but I get the gist of it. 

Three minutes had passed since the alarm had begun to sound. Once more I situate myself at the back of the cave to work out. An hour of aerobics and muscle building then an hour of yoga. However this time I practice my forms next, focusing on Kung Fu and Judo. A half hour is all I devote to it this morning. Grabbing fresh clothes from my pack next to the tent I begin peeling off my sweat stained clothes. Since I'm normally the one to wake the others I’m surprised when I hear Liam shuffling open his tent flap. 

“Could you hold on a sec?” I scramble to don the rest of my clothing but he seems to have failed to hear me because now he’s coming out.

“Woah.” His eyes grow wide and a supercilious smile spreads over his face. “Now that’s what I like to see first thing in the morning.” Suddenly he raises his voice. “HEY MARVIN, COME QUICK!” 

Dazed and nearly tripping over himself Marvin emerges next, knife drawn. He’s just in time to see me slipping a shirt over my bare chest. I could almost swear I see red underneath his dark skinned face as his eyes focus intently on the ceiling. “What the _fuck_ Liam?!” he asks through clenched teeth. 

“Sorry babe, thought you’d appreciate it too.” He slaps Marvin’s rear and dashes over the truck and out into the woods. “See you later!” He calls over his shoulder. 

“Where’s he off to?” Emma is now emerging from our tent, rubbing crusts from the corners of her eyes. “What was everyone yelling about?” 

“Forget it,” I mutter, teeth clenched. 

I work on building a fire while Emma gets out the egg box and a pan. Liam returns shortly after the fire is nice and hot, looking smug. 

Before he quite gets the chance to take a seat aside me I stand and smash a fist against the side of his head. “You know sometimes you’re really not funny.” I ignore the shock from Emma. Marvin looks surprised and a bit disturbed by my outburst, though he understands where it came from. Liam turns back, his usual expression of carefree frivolity wiped off. Brows furrowed in outrage he holds his cheek, now a bright red.

“Fine, I was out of line this morning, but  _ that  _ was too much.” Venom drips in every word his voice utters. It’s unusual for him to get this mad. “What the fuck has gotten into you?”

Although I’m embarrassed by what happened this morning, and despite how wrong it was of Liam to do it, I feel I’ve overreacted as well. That doesn’t seem to be enough to stop me, though. “What’s gotten into  _ me _ ? What the fuck has gotten into you? Why the fuck did you do that?” I shove him for emphasis.

His anger seems to be subsiding, he obviously feels guilty, probably regretted it as soon as it happened. “I don’t know, it was stupid, sometimes I do stupid things. People do  _ stupid _ things sometimes. But just fucking make me apologize and talk about it like a normal person. Jesus Christ.” 

“So apologize!” I’m nearly yelling now. Why am I this upset?

“I’m SORRY!” He’s practically screaming at me as he turns around and begins walking back out. Marvin follows after him, a little ways behind. 

Emma struts up beside me, crossing her arms. “What the hell _happened_ this morning?”

Sighing, I recount the events. “Liam accidentally walked out while I was changing and called Marvin. Marvin thought something was wrong so he came too. I guess Liam thought it would be funny.”

“Rude. Why didn’t he call me out?” As I glance down at her, narrowing my eyes, she quickly adds, “Okay, not funny, got it. So that was weird of him but, uh, you seem  _ really _ angry.”

I shrug.

“I’m guessing this is about other things too?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll apologize to him and we can forget it ever happened.”

“Ah, there she is, the Kade we all know and love: shoving problems under the rug since 1987.”

I take a breath and turn to face her. “I  _ am _ sorry. I was being stupid too, there are other things pressing on me right now. Maybe that’s why Liam acted that way too. We’re all stressed out. I'm aware of that fact. But I don’t feel dwelling on it is helpful. We’ll apologize and I’ll find a way to make it up to him later.”

She smiles. “Better.” 

 

Letting Liam eat the cupcakes Herrick gave me is difficult, but watching him consume them with exaggerated delight makes me feel a bit better. He was forgiving but, as he put it, “An offering needs to be made.” Since the welt on his face looked fairly painful we were calling it even. 

It’s not until the afternoon that I actually set out back to dig our holes near the compound. Marvin, Emma, Liam and I worked most of the morning and afternoon on tying sticks together with our rope to make what would serve as the covering and roof of each hole. Leaves and pine needles are wound and stuck all through. If no one stands atop it I’m certain they’ll be sufficient for coverage. Actually choosing a location for the holes and digging it proves difficult. There seems to be more goings on today. So far as I can tell no one is aware of my presence; if they were there’s no doubt they’d be after me.

By the time three pits are finished and covered night has fallen. Now the tricky part. In order to cut the fence I'd need to be far closer than I was comfortable with. Forty-five minutes are quickly consumed as I crawl from between the trees to the fence, pausing intermittently to avoid moving too much at one time and giving myself away. Each clip of the wire cutters shoots through my ear; surely they'll hear me. But they don't, and once I'm finished I start the agonizing crawl backwards into the forest. Feeling I've gotten far enough from the base I stand and turn towards the long walk back. 

Once again my friends are waiting for my return. Conversation around the fire is upbeat. Liam and Emma both tell a few ghost stories, Marvin shares some old war tale he heard from his grandpa. I don’t feel the need to participate; these exchanges are for one purpose and one only: to distract from what’s to come tomorrow. No amount of talking and laughing will cure the fear that’s wrapping my stomach in knots. 

By 10:00 we’re tucked in our sleeping bags. 

“Kade?” Emma’s voice is so low I almost miss it.

I turn to her, questioning with my expression.

“... I love you.”

I nod and turn away again.  _ I love you too _ , I think.

 

Today my alarm is set for 9:00 but by 7:38 I realize sleeping any longer is impossible. Unzipping the flap I’m shocked to see the other three already up. 

“Morning,” Liam says, mouth full of eggs. The last of the deer meat was gone so now eggs would serve for protein. My meal is laid out for me, kept warm by the fire. By the time I’ve consumed it everything is just shy of being ready to go.

Marvin walks up to me, a queer look in his eyes. “We’re uh, we’re leaving a letter here in case we don’t make it out and the others come looking for us.” He hands me a pencil. “We’ve already written our parts, I thought you might want to write something too.”

Taking both the paper and writing utensil I duck into my tent. Each of them had written long, touching messages to the others back home. Their lettering is small in order to fit. My mind works a few moments before I put down what I’m thinking.

_ I love you all. I’m sorry we failed. Best of luck to you, may you live the long and peaceful lives you deserve. Remember us.  _

It’s the best I can do. Even imagining the implications of the letter, of our deaths… it’s too much. I can’t allow myself to dwell on those thoughts. 

Hours of walking bring us to one of the holes I’d dug the day before. A little uncomfortable, but we all fit. We had recognized a need to be aware of anything happening during the light hours rather than just arriving at nightfall. 

During some parts of the day the boredom is so severe I feel like slamming my head into the dirt until I’m unconscious. Occasionally a hushed conversation will pick up, never lasting longer than a couple of minutes. Emma and I speak back and forth in sign language sometimes. Marvin and Liam are obviously vexed to no end by this, unable to understand any of what we sign. While the sun races towards the horizon, the same thoughts keep rambling around in my head.  _ We're going to die, we're going to die. This'll never work. What if they hear me picking the lock? Someone is bound to spot us. What if their medicines are hidden?  _ As these words go on reverberating in my mind the world around us becomes blanketed in darkness. Hours of the night pass us by. Still we wait. Every nerve in my body tingles. Fear and anticipation threaten to overwhelm me. More and more I find difficulty in sitting still. It's plainly the same with the others. 

Finally, I speak.

“It’s time.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will have the good ol' Rick gang in it (but just barely).


	8. A Change of Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans are derailed by unexpected company.

Tension constricts my throat, I’m barely breathing as we lift the lid just enough to shuffle out from under it. Our camouflage renders us everything but invisible as we pace tree to tree. Hide, look, wait, creep to the next area of covering. Heart pounding, I take in the base. Two absolutely enormous satellites occupy the area behind the building. Though it's only one story high I feel as if it looms above us. Tonight, it somehow looked different, more menacing. We continue our crawl forward: me at the head, then Marvin and Emma with Liam bringing up the rear. Sounds of the night stir up my ever increasing unease. Was there no end to how large my fear could grow? Sometimes I wondered if its overwhelming power would soon simply force my heart to stop beating. Glancing back I see the others creeping behind me, but only just. Our coverings coupled with darkness effectively blended our bodies with the forest. Sudden adrenaline shoots to my fingertips as my ears catch a car engine. Marvin's eyes meet mine, panicking. Sliding behind a tree I motion for the others to do the same. Agonizing seconds drag along as the car approaches. Red lights flash on as it pulls in front of the entrance. 

A voice yells out to whoever has just arrived. “STOP RIGHT THERE. Announce yourself asshole.”

“It's Eddie from Hilltop,” someone inside the car calls out. “It's done!”

“Step out,” the man from the building yells. 

Whoever is in the car shuts the engine off and complies. Must be Eddie. His arms are raised and I can see something in his hand from the glare of red lights. 

“Is that it?” 

“Yeah!” Eddie responds. His voice sounds strained, afraid. 

“Bring it here, shit brain!”

Two guards stride through the open door, each raising a gun as they're approached by Eddie and whatever he's holding. Now I can barely hear the words between the three. Eddie raises the object in his hands: a burlap sack. One of the gunmen shakes his head, uttering words beyond my capacity to hear. Haltingly, Eddie removes something from the bag. As he raises it I can plainly see he's proffering a head, his fingers gripping hair. Now I catch a few words as a guard raises his voice slightly. ‘ _ Look at this shit’ _ is all I manage to understand. The other man, the guard who hasn't said anything, inspects the head. Eddie speaks and raises a bandaged hand. The second guard takes the decapitated head between his palms, again studying it. Horror fills me as he holds it next to his face. Using his other hand he moves the mouth and says… I don't know what, like some kind of sick ventriloquist act. This causes the first guard to laugh. Suddenly guard number two carelessly tosses the head aside. Moving closer to Eddie he appears to be exchanging words. After a light slap across Eddie's face he goes back into the base. 

Now the first guard is whistling a tune, happy birthday, or so it sounds. Movement catches my eye. Someone is gliding stealthily along the side of the wall behind guard number one. The slinking figure draws a knife and before I can even begin to wonder what's happening he's pulling it across the guard's throat. Blood drains from the wound as the man falls. The knife is brought down, smashing through his skull. Figures begin dashing in from the right and left. How long had they been there? They must have hidden themselves after it was dark, otherwise we'd have seen them. Just as quickly as they'd come they disappear, hauling the now lifeless guard’s body out of sight. Only Eddie remains, tucking the handgun of a now dead man in the back of his jeans. The guard who had left returns, shoving a bound person before him. Not five seconds later a sword protrudes from his abdomen, an unseen enemy bringing his life to an end. Once again the group emerges from their hiding spots. Eddie and the bound man who'd been brought out go to the car while all but two of the rest slip inside. A man and a women get into Eddie's car as Eddie and his friend follow suit. Engine revving, the car starts and is driven just beyond the parking lot to rest behind a single tree. I can now see another man had been in the car, unmoving until this moment. Now there was him, Eddie, the man who’d been brought from the compound, and the two who’d stayed outside.

While quiet falls I wonder if time has stopped or if it's merely decided to slow down to a crawl. Emma, Marvin and Liam share wide eyed panic. What the fuck were we supposed to do now? Somehow I doubted this band of killers would leave without stripping the compound of any and all valuable assets. One minute, two, three. A fourth minute passes and a thunderous sound emanates from the compound: an alarm. Those waiting in the car leap out. For a few seconds they converse. Eddie returns to the car, driving off with the man who'd been bound before, leaving the other three. One runs inside, the other two, the man and woman, stand firm, raising their guns to shoot any foe who would venture outside. Machine gun fire echoes within the walls; at some points I think I hear yelling. Two men who flee outside are quickly shot by the woman. More gunshots sound through the night before becoming less frequent. 

Eventually someone comes out the door, ushering in the two who are outside. We take this chance to retreat to the hole we'd hidden in the previous day. Binoculars out, I keep them relentlessly trained on the front of the compound. Dawn begins to show itself as light flicks through the pines. Still, no one leaves, at least not through the front. An engine revs and a small camper comes into view briefly before driving off. Again, quiet. Then another engine starting, followed by shots. Not knowing what on earth is happening drives me mad but there's nothing for it. A half hour of silence passes before a multitude of cars drive off. We wait in uninterrupted quiet for yet another hour before daring to venture inside. Marvin holds up the fence where I'd cut the previous day as we crawl under. Liam holds the other side for Marvin. Dashing across the road, guns ready, we creep inside. Dreary yellow walls greet us. Motioning, I direct Liam and Emma down one hall. Jerking my head I indicate Marvin should come with me. Every ounce of my blood is alight, adrenaline pumping. Room after room we encounter nothing but dead men, a few women. When my half of the building is cleared we meet back where we'd split off. 

“They're all dead,” Liam confirms. “Stabbed through the head or shot.”

“What about supplies?” Obviously Marvin has overestimated our luck. Liam shakes his head. 

“Yeah, us either.”

I look each of them in the eye before speaking. “We're going to sweep the building, comb through every inch for anyone still alive or any missed supplies. You find someone you yell out. Understood?” Everyone nods and we begin. Two hours later and we have a stash of chocolate, the few blankets and covers that were blood free, and one single, unused bullet. Picking the last item up I rub my thumb over it, the muscles in my face slowly tightening. With all the might I can muster it’s hurled at the far wall, bouncing off and clattering to the ground before rolling away. It had all been for nothing. Our coming here, the gasoline we'd spent, the time now wasted, the preparing and planning… all for naught. Part of me feels relief at not having to follow our scheme; that we'd been spared the dangers. Could we have done any better, sneaking about? Would we have even made it past the door? Now I supposed we'd never have to find out. 

“What…” Emma starts to say before tears well in her eyes. “What are we going to do? What will we tell Devashri? Or Olivia and Daniel?”

“All we'll be saying when we see them is ‘you're welcome.’” All three turn to me, expressing both confusion and a hopeless fear. “We're going to hunt down those sons of bitches and we're going to get that medicine.”

“Have you lost it, Kade?” Liam questions. 

“I refuse to go back. Not without something to show for our troubles. I will get those fucking antibiotics or I'll die trying. It's up to you if you want to stay. If you leave just let me have the dirt bike and some gasoline. I'll take one of the cars from here to get back if I can.”

No one says a word. Then Marvin speaks up. “I'm with you. No matter what you do, I'm with you.”

“I'm not going back without you, Kade. I'll follow you.” Emma's voice is choked as she speaks. 

“Well fuck, I don't want to be the odd man out. I'll stay with you idiots.” 

“Then it's settled. We find this new group and we take what we came for.”


	9. A Lucky Break and an Unlucky Break-in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A certain bat-wielding asshole makes an appearance.

Though we drive the truck, loaded with our supplies, up to the now empty compound, we don't keep it there. Once the supplies are unloaded I return it to the cave, driving back with the dirt bike. What vehicles are left here will serve us now, and should any of our group look for us at the very least the truck could be recovered. A new letter sits beside the one we'd already written describing the turn of events we'd faced as well as our new plan. Both rest on the dashboard, easy enough to see. Should anyone come along and steal the truck, a secret message had been carved into the caves wall near the front. All it would tell anyone from our group who read it was that we were most likely dead. 

We'd decided the base would better serve our need for shelter.  It offered more protection than the cave and I figured no one would come looking for us here. Still, I made sure we were careful to hide our supplies and most any other trace of our stay. As for the dirt bike, it sat in the woods a little ways off, covered in underbrush. For now our foods, weapons, and other valuables are put in a hole dug in the grass outside. A square, wooden board with grass atop it covers this, seamlessly blending it with the surrounding ground. Sleeping in beds instead of on hard rock is a much welcomed comfort. Our first day is consumed hunting and gathering any edible plants we find. In the evening, we drag the previous inhabitant’s bodies outside. Loading them onto a truck we drive a reasonable distance, dumping them unceremoniously into the forest.

Night is cold, though the metal walls at least keep the wind out. Since I feel it's safer, I suggest we stay in different rooms. If anyone were to find us here I'd rather make it more difficult to pick us off. We're close enough to hear the others from our own beds and that's good enough. 

 

Waking the next morning I fall out of bed clutching my knife, confused as to where I am. Memories flood in and I remember the events of the last few days. Today we'd set out to search for the robbers. Robbers may not quite have been the right name; they robbed what we ourselves had been planning to steal. Despite this obvious fact I felt those medicines had been taken away from my group, and that we'd been stolen from nonetheless. Mimicking my typical morning I work out, do a bit of yoga, then practice various martial art forms. Constantly practicing the forms was the one thing in my life that hadn't utterly changed. I clung to it dearly. 

Before I finish taking off my sweat soaked garments, a thought occurs to me. We had seen showers and a bathroom here. Until now I hadn't thought to try it. Running, I head towards the tiled room. Clothes on the floor, I step hopefully under the faucet. Pipes clunk and water rushes out. Sputtering I turn the knob, praying it will get warmer. And it does. Then, something I hadn't experienced in a long time: a genuine, ear to ear smile. This was the first hot shower I'd had in almost two years. For once I give in to my whims and remain under the heated spigot at least another thirty minutes. After a great deal of back and forth, I decide to finally remove myself from the luxurious warmth and turn the handle down hurriedly, before my resolve waivers. In my excitement I had failed to bring a towel or clean clothes to change into. Pondering what to do I sit down, water sliding off me. Not long after that I hear Emma entering. 

“Emma!” I call out. “Could you bring me something to dry off with? And clean clothes from my pack?”

“Can it wait until after I've gone to the bathroom?”

“I guess. Hurry up!” 

I hear nothing for a few seconds, then her voice pipes up. “Could you make some noise or something? I can't go while you're listening.”

Rolling my eyes I respond. “I'm  _ not  _ listening,” but I use this as an excuse to get back under the steamy water. 

“Is that what I think it is?!” Her exclamation rings out in the bathroom. 

“Hot, fresh, running water baby,” I call back. 

Emma finishes quickly, and I can hear her wash her hands before jogging out the door. In record time she's back with a towel, presumably taken from one of the rooms since we didn't have any, and clothing for me. She enters, the items pressed between her hands. I turn to look over my shoulder, catching her staring at my muscled back. Either that or my ass, I can't quite tell. Realizing I'm looking at her she glances down, face reddening. Without a word she places what she's holding on the ground and walks out. 

“I'll leave the towel for you to use!” I call after her. 

Dried and clean, I return to my room. My door shuts as Emma's opens, no doubt she's heading to take a shower of her own. Liam and Marvin are both sleeping when I find them, and both begin to race to the bathrooms upon hearing the good news. 

“Wait! Emma's in there right now!” I shout. Abruptly they turn and walk back to me. 

Liam sits on his bed and chuckles. “After that right hook you gave me for seeing you mostly naked I'm not eager to find out what terrors you'd inflict on me if I saw  _ Emma  _ naked.” His eyes dart up to meet mine and, seeing the annoyance in them, he adds, “Not joking about that yet, huh? I'm… I, uh… sorry. Bad joke. I won't mention it again.” This last part sounds genuine and sincere, not something often gotten out of him. 

A few hours later, showered and invigorated we set out. Having no real idea of where exactly to search we stick to roads, occasionally looking through our maps. Ultimately this exploration is fruitless. We return rather dejected. Dinner is eaten with some chatter here and there. While Emma, Liam and Marvin remain at the table to play cards, I go on to meander the facility. I was in the side Liam and Emma had explored in detail so it was mostly new to me. Most of the rooms are bare, a few have lewd posters adorning the walls. Two have pictures of people hanging by the cots, probably loved ones. These I avoid looking at with more than a glance. Stepping in through one door I notice a series of pictures taped to the wall. Twenty, in total. Placing my knee on the bed I lean in for a closer look. Something feels odd beneath the weight of my leg. Placing my hand over the spring mattress I find it's not as bouncy or firm as it should be. An inspection of its side reveals a small tear in it just beyond the fitted sheet. Reaching inside my hand touches a zip lock bag. Gripping, I slide it out. As I do, something rattles. Could this be…? Prescription bottles are stuffed in to the brim. Clutching the bag to my chest I breathe out an uneven gasp. Now I'm running back to the kitchen, almost colliding with several walls. All three half stand from their chairs as I appear in the doorway. They look frightened, wondering what's a happened to make me rush to them like this. Triumphantly I hold the bag out in front of me. 

Marvin's eyes widen in his skull. “No way, no  _ fucking  _ way!”

Liam can't seem to think what to say so instead starts dancing ridiculously, his crazy movements interspersed with shouts of ‘ _ Yes! Yes, yes,  _ **_hell_ ** _ YES!’  _

Emma's hand is at her mouth, covering a truly overjoyed smile. “Let's see what we've got.” I hand it over and she pulls each out, reading the text across the small canisters. She was by no means a doctor, but Daniel and Olivia had taught her what they could. For some reason the more bottles she goes through the more her smile disappears. 

Liam stops his twirling. “What's wrong?”

As she pulls out the last bottle, reading its label, she sighs. “These…” Now she picks out a bottle nearly empty. “are the only antibiotics.” 

Actual, physical pain compresses my chest at her words. Of course,  _ of course _ we couldn't just be done with it like that. 

Surveying our glower expressions she packs the bottles back in. “There may be only a few antibiotics left but there are excellent sedatives and painkillers in here, enough to last a long time if we're smart. And we have more,” she pauses to read the name. “Amoxicillin than before. So it's a start.” 

An idea is forming in my head; I sit at the table as the thoughts continue to grow and unravel. “Emma, you're going to take those back to Red Springs.” Before she can start to protest I'm already continuing. “Devashri is going to need those as soon as the others run out. I won't risk her not getting them if we can't make it back. I'm sure the pain meds and sedatives would do her good too. Everyone back home must be going out of their minds not knowing what's happening to us. Emma… they don't even know if we're alive. Someone needs to go back. And,” now my gaze turns to Marvin and Liam. “Someone should go with her to split the driving. Marvin,” he's already shaking his head as my eyes meet his. “You should go back with her.”

“Kade I don't…”

“It doesn't matter. Whatever excuse you have, whatever your reasoning is, it doesn't matter.” Standing, I pace deliberately over to him, lowering my voice as I speak. “You  _ will  _ go back with Emma. You can pick up some more food and the two of you will be back here in two days, at most. Liam and I will keep searching for these others, scope out what we can. We'll wait until you're both back before going after their supplies. Understood?”

Marvin pleads silently with me for a moment, but eventually consents. 

“Great. You leave  _ now _ . Take what food you want, whichever car suits you and go.”

 

Unlike the wild events of the past few days, the time during Marvin and Emma's absence is dull. Liam and I continue to stab out in various directions, consulting maps while searching for the hideout of the robbers. 

At the end of our third day at the satellite compound and long, fruitless hours attempting to locate our bandits, Liam and I sit at a table in one of the two kitchens. 

“Okay, so, I'm going to the moon and I'm bringing…” Liam pauses to stuff a handful of stale cereal into his mouth. “An apple, binoculars, a crescent wrench, dominoes, eggs, and… hmm… French fries.”

I wait to take my turn until eating another spoonful of my own stale cereal. “I'm going to the moon and I'm bringing an apple, binoculars, crescent wrench, dominoes, eggs, French fries and guacamole.”

“We've gotta stop using food, it’s making this crusty old cereal taste even worse.” Dusting his hands on his pants Liam begins. “I'm taking a trip to the moon… and… I'm bringing an apple, binoc…”

“Shhhh…” Heart pounding I hush Liam, gripping his arm tight enough to hurt. All is quiet as we listen, then the distinct sound of an opening door sends pins and needles through my leg. Someone’s here. 

Not releasing Liam from my vice grip I take the cereal box and drag us to the kitchen cabinets. Crawling down into one I shut the door ever so softly behind us. Space is tight and discomfort abounds but I can barely think about that. 

“It could be Marvin and Emma.” Another ‘ _ Shhhh’  _ hisses from my lips as I dig my nails into Liam’s wrist for emphasis. What he said wasn't wrong, it could be them, but instinct tells me otherwise. Voices reach us, there’s definitely more than one or two. Fear, gut-wrenching, all-consuming fear festers in every inch of my body. On Liam’s face I can see everything I'm feeling but my own expression betrays nothing. Slamming footsteps suggest at least a dozen. They’re closer now and I can make out some of the conversation.

A man’s voice, deep and commanding booms out. “Fucking  _ hell _ , those assholes have no idea who the fuck they’re screwing with. Check the rooms. See if they left anything. You four, check the armory, you two go to the kitchen on the west side, you two take the right. You, check the cars out back.” Judging by the sounds, they’re beginning to fan out through the building. I quickly do a mental sweep through each room, praying nothing was left out to give us away. A few minutes pass in relative silence before the man who first spoke raises his voice again. “Where the fuck are the bodies?”

“Must’ve dragged ‘em outside,” another replies. 

A small slit in the cupboard allows me to see the feet of the two men who rush in, glancing over the room. One begins opening the cupboards above the counter. Holding my breath, a thought goes around and around inside me.  _ They’re going to find us, they’re going to kill us, they’ll find us, they’ll kill us _ . Again and again it churns across my brain like a tumbleweed. 

_          They’re going to kill us     They’re going to find us and they’ll kill us _

_                                                               They’ll find us, we’ll be dead before morning   _

_ We’re going to die, we’ll be dead before  _

_                                                         Emma and Marvin return we’re dead we’re dead we’re dead _

_ dead _

_ dead  _

_                                                we’ll die here _

__

_ We'll be dead, DEAD,  _ **_DEAD_ **

__

Terror coils itself around my heart, sinking poisoned fangs into it. Another cabinet opens and closes. I wait for our discovery. Suddenly the coil loosens and relief washes over me; he’d only opened a few, not bothering to check each one. 

“Nothing left here,” is all one of them says before they move back to the hallway. Another five minutes of their searching passes before the sounds begin to die down. 

“So our new friends got everything, huh?” This is the first man who spoke. Now his voice sounds oddly upbeat, as though he's smiling or about to laugh. Somehow that makes him sound deathly menacing. He’s close and moving closer. A string of seven names is barked out, followed by instructions to take a fleet of cars back to ‘the sanctuary’. Five more names are told to go with them. Four men enter the kitchen but I can’t see above their waists. 

“These crazy fucks have no idea of the  _ shitstorm _ they’ve just stirred up. Oh, it is gonna be  **_fun_ ** making them pay.” 

What I think is a baseball bat swings back and forth in his grip, not quite touching the floor. Something is twined around it. Barbed wire, probably. 

“Simon, you got any boys on your naughty list right now?”

“As a matter of fact, I do.”

“Excellent. We’re gonna make a little example outta some little dipshit in front of our new pals from Alexandria before I tear into them.” He moves towards the far wall as he speaks. “Bring me that chair, will ya?” Something scuffles across the floor, presumably the requested chair. 

Listening intently I attempt to understand what he’s doing. 

“Ah HA! Here it is. Alright boys, let’s get the fuck outta here. We got work to do.” As their footsteps fade my ears catch the front door opening and closing. Car engines roar to life briefly before speeding away into the night. If it wasn’t crystal-clear before, it certainly is now: we are in  _ way _ over our heads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's gonna start to get a lot more exciting really soon.


	10. From Bad to Worse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complications and yet more complications.

I allow myself a shaking breath but refuse to move. Liam apparently shares the sentiment because we sit for another fifteen minutes. Discomfort overcomes my subsiding dread and I venture out. A chair is sitting beneath a part of the ceiling that’s been pushed away; a secret compartment of some kind had been right over our heads. Liam follows me. We stand in the kitchen a few moments, dumbstruck. We'd thought the robbers killing those in the compound meant we'd just have to deal with them instead. This situation had gone from bad to worse in a matter of minutes. Who had those men been? What if this was only an outpost to a much larger colony? Brushing aside the tempting thought of cutting our losses and running back home I start to pace. 

“Kade,” Liam begins but a sharp look from me cuts him off. 

“We shouldn't stay here any longer. We don't know if they'll be back, it's not safe. We leave as soon as we're packed. If they left any cars we'll take one back to the cave. Marvin and Emma will have to pass by on their way back here. I don't want them running into any of whoever just left.” Liam’s eyes are begging me to tell him what's next, how we come out of this alive and with the medicine. As I'm so used to doing I conceal my own fears and hesitations behind a mask of indifference. “The plan stays the same. We find the robbers, steal what we need from them. Kill them if necessary. With any luck they'll blame it on whoever those other guys are and we'll be home free.”

“I don't… What are we taking on here, Kade?  _ Who _ are we taking on?”

“It doesn't matter. We aren't going back empty handed. We can't just keep hoping we don't need medical supplies as we run out. Devashri won't be the last one whose situation demands them. After everything we've been through, after all we've lost, I'm not letting anyone else slip away because we were too afraid to take what we needed. We can still do this, Liam, believe that. Believe  _ me _ . I will get that medicine or I will die trying.” I allow silence before finishing with emphasis. “And I don't plan on dying.” My own words sound empty in my ears but Liam buys it. Sometimes I hated how confident I could sound, how easily I could encourage and persuade others. I just hoped I wasn't wrong. 

 

As it turned out, not a single car was left in the back lot. We were going to have to carry everything on foot. The dirt bike was fragile already, certainly not strong enough to carry all the weight we'd be hauling. After deliberating we decide to leave it for now. Lugging our supplies on foot was doable but it'd take so much longer, what with the rest stops we'd inevitably be forced to take. Packing what would fit into our packs we carry the rest or haul it over our shoulders. Should we somehow miss Emma and Marvin, carvings at the compound’s door would inform them of our trek back to the cave. Normally, a walk at a steady pace would have brought us to our destination within three to four hours, maybe four and a half. With the excess weight burdening us we get there in just under six. Dawn is still a ways off when the cave is finally in sight. My back aches and I'm ecstatic to shuffle out of my pack. Liam appears even worse for wear than me. 

“I. Hate. Walking.” With a sigh he lays his body on the hard rock floor. 

“I'll set up the tents.” Before I unpack anything I make sure the blockade is still sturdy. The truck appears untouched; I'm sure if this hide away had been discovered it or some of its contents would have been taken. Making the cave secure and livable again takes another half hour. Liam has a fire going by the time I'm through. Struggling into the camouflage suit I head to the road to wait for the two to drive by, shivering in the autumn air. Liam and I had agreed to take turns on watch. Ultimately this proves unnecessary. My surveillance approaches its third hour and the sounds of a car drifts to my ears. Subtle light from the morning sun is just enough to make out Marvin and Emma's faces. Hands raised I wave them down. Surprise washes over them like a wave, shortly followed by worry. 

Marvin immediately peppers me with questions as the car comes to a stop. “Why are you back here? What happened?” His eyes widen as he asks his next question. “Where's Liam?”

“He's fine, don't worry. We… we ran into a bit of an issue. Whoever those people killed at the outpost were, they weren't alone. Last night a group of men payed the compound a visit. Looked through the place, talked about how they were going to mess up whoever did it. Thank God we kept our stuff hidden outside or we'd of been fucked.” 

“This just gets more and more complicated.” Marvin looks at me as he speaks, his expression betraying the thoughts within.

“It changes nothing. We're still going after that medicine. Maybe you're okay with letting us die of infection the next time something happens but I'm not. We do this till it's done.” Difficult as it is to keep harsh tones from my voice, I succeed. “Rest up. We've got some busy days ahead.”

Marvin slinks into the cave after that, resigning himself to our situation. 

Emma holds out a piece of paper. “Dulari and Balaji miss you. Dulari asked me to give you this.” As Emma drives the vehicle to block the cave's entrance I unfold the yellowing paper. Poorly scrawled, colorful crayon drawings cover the page, like flowers in a summer field. Everything is labeled: sun, trees and grass. Arrows point to each figure. Marvin, Emma and Liam’s caricatures stand off the one side, smiles larger than their faces drawn onto their heads. In the middle stands little “Dulari” and “Balaji”, who are on either side of the Kade they've drawn, holding the children's oversized hands with her own. Refolding it with enormous care, I tuck in into the inside chest pocket, next to the picture that's always carried there. Now more than ever I was certain we were doing the right thing. This was our burden: to find and take the medical supplies for those we loved most dearly, and we would not shirk it. 


	11. Out of the Frying Pan...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> into the fire.

Frustration rose in me as days passed without any real progress, like boiling water slowly slipping over the side of the pot as the temperature rises. All our searching and efforts did was to cultivate my fears that this was a useless waste of time and energy. Three agonizing days dragged by us, each the same as the one before. Resolve wavering, I began to push us harder. We were out longer, searched farther. I even split the four of us far apart a number of times. I asked and they obeyed. I was the leader here, I made them believe all of it was necessary, that it'd pay off. Convincing myself was another task, and I was failing miserably. Then, on the seventh day, while the sun was still sinking towards the horizon, Marvin and I finally found it: the robbers hideout. Although hideout wasn't quite right. Fortified town seemed much more accurate. 

We'd heard a car coming along the road we were following. Of course we lay flat immediately. Before it was out of sight I stood; it had been the first vehicle we'd seen in days. Certain I'd seen a face I recognized from that night at the compound I was quick to chase after it. Marvin followed behind me, both of us running, praying no one in the car would spot the two racing figures in the rearview mirror. Of course we never expected to catch up to them, they were in a car. But the small spec they turned into in the distance suddenly swerved and disappeared into what looked like a gate. 

Marvin smiled grimly. “Jackpot.”

Moving in closer we could see the high walls stretching across a fairly expansive patch of land. Our vantage point was somewhat higher than the place itself, offering a telling view. Armed guards were posted at several points along the perimeter. Climbing over to get in seemed unlikely. People inside could be seen coming and going throughout the fenced in area. 

“It looks so…” Marvin begins, sounding amazed. “So preserved. So normal.”

Retrieving the binoculars from my pack I take a closer, more probing look. “These lucky bastards,” I mumble. We had our own fenced in town of course but ours was clearly post-apocalyptic, not to mention their fence was far higher than Red Spring’s. If not for the barricade surrounding it and the dead along the wall I'd have sworn this to be just a regular little borough from before the nightmare began. “We should head back for tonight. We'll meet back up with Emma and Liam in the clearing. It's almost time to radio anyway.” Taking one last glance behind me, I trudge forward.  _ We'll be back _ , I silently promise the town.  _ And we'll get what we came for _ . 

 

“Unfortunately we'll just have to spend the next few days doing surveillance. Get a feel for how many there are, where they keep their medical supplies. Figure out a safe way in.” I scoot closer to the fire as I speak, trying to warm my hands. 

The others nod in agreement. Our prospects were grim but for the first time in nearly a week I felt like we could actually do this. 

 

Nine days had passed since the robbers attacked the compound. Now, finally, we had our plan. We'd witnessed quite a lot happening during our watches. People going about their days, chit-chatting, laughing, sitting on porches. Part of me couldn't help but feel a little sickened by the frivolity of it all. Some of these men and women had probably never been outside the barrier. Others I could tell were more like us. I recognized the hardened looks of those who'd seen the worst this world had to offer. They were the ones who came and went more frequently. During our time watching them a woman, who had left earlier that day, was brought back and buried. I hoped we'd be out of here soon. Though it was through a lense and from quite a distance, watching them made all of it more difficult. Seeing them living, just playing out their daily lives tempted me to sympathize with them. Of course they weren't untouched by this world, they couldn't be. They still lost, still worried, still grieved. I couldn't afford to get soft, not now. Should it become necessary, we'd kill them. As it stood right now we would wait until they left with one of the vehicles, preferably the camper. We'd quickly gathered that there was another community they were in contact with, one that they'd traveled to before. We didn't know exactly where this place was but we'd learned what roads they took to get there. Emma and Marvin would radio Liam when one of the larger vehicles left, who'd then radio me. Our walkies were military grade and reached pretty far, just not quite far enough. Liam would be the middleman for our communications. 

I was hidden at a point between the two encampments. After I got the call I'd merely lie in wait. If they passed me, I'd fell a tree, already mostly cut, to block their way on the return. As they stopped to move it I'd slip beneath the car, strapping myself to the underside. Inside the compound I'd wait for night to fall, steal all the medical supplies I could get my hands on, and leave. I'd escape by slipping over the wall if I could. Otherwise I'd have to find another way out. 

Luck was on our side. We were nearing the end of our first day of waiting and already Liam’s voice was crackling over my walkie. Marvin and Emma had just radioed him; a group was heading out with the camper. 

“Please God let them be coming this way,” I begged to no one in particular. If they were headed someplace else we'd have to do this whole thing again. 

“Kade?” Liam’s voice crackles through the ear bud. I'd decided to plug headphones into the walkie, less noise that way. “They just passed me. Should be headed your way, over.”

“I'm ready for them, over and out.”

Now all that was left was to wait. Doing my best to ignore the stench of walker guts I'd spread across the log I'm hiding in, I settle down, patient. A mouse waiting for the cat to fall into its trap. 

 

Forty-eight minutes pass and still nothing. What was taking so long? The RV should have driven by me already, or at least be within earshot. They must have gone a different route. There were many roads to where they were going, if they didn't come by me we'd move to plan B. Just as I'm raising my walkie to question Liam, shuffling leaves prickle my eardrums. A walker? If it was, it would pass me by, unable to pick my smell from the putrid stink smeared across my hiding space. The more I listen the more my fear grows. Within a few seconds a realization strikes: these footsteps are human and there's more than one pair of boots tramping along. Heart beating in my chest, I wait while a multitude of men and women creep past my vision. Although the log utterly shields me and my camouflage hides me from sight, I feel vulnerable. I lay on my stomach, hardly daring to breathe. But they don't pass on, instead taking a seat or crouching nearby. Every time I think they can't keep coming, more emerge to sit and wait. Ominous and silent, their presence fills every empty space, suffocating me. This living horde, armed to the teeth, cuts a grim image, bringing back the memory of the men searching the compound…

_ These crazy fucks have no idea of the  _ shitstorm _ they’ve just stirred up. Oh, it is gonna be  _ **_fun_ ** _ making them pay. _

Luck was not on our side. Whoever had been killed back at that satellite compound was only a pale reflection of a much larger force, I was sure of that now, just as I was sure this gathering was no coincidence. The robbers would pay alright. They'd pay and once again our plans would be thrown into chaos by an unexpected intervention. Low, gruff muttering popped up now and again as they settled in, claiming the space about them. From what I could understand, which was little, these men and women were lying in wait. Blockades had been set up so as to cut off the robbers and their camper from the other colony, Hilltop, they called it. Hilltop was where that man, Eddie, the one at the compound who'd presented the severed head to the guards, had said he was from. 

Something told me I'd be waiting here a long time. By now my friends were probably looking over the robber's hideout, waiting for the camper’s return. They were prepared for the possibility of a drawn-out wait. We had no idea how long they'd planned on being out, we hadn't even been sure they'd be heading towards me when they left. Silently I beg the universe to keep my friends far away from this place, pray they won't come searching for me. 

Stiff legs, aching arms and bark indenting my abdomen causes every minute to tediously creep along. Fear, boredom and physical discomfort mix uneasily. Madness threatens to overwhelm; I keep imagining scrambling out and running wildly through the forest. Night gently covers the area as hours tick by. Or at least it feels like hours. I dare not glance to my watch, afraid the movement will attract attention. Vehicles begin to pull up, at least seven, forming two lines parallel to my log in the little clearing before me. Restlessness infects the woods, everyone seems to be anticipating something. A bit of a commotion kicks up as another car is driven in. This one is parked at the end of the two lines of cars and motorcycles. It's at the far side so it doesn't block my view. Like a rock through water, my heart drops in my chest. This was the camper I had so eagerly anticipated before now. As the driver steps out, someone is torn ruthlessly from the inside and made to kneel.

Pointing a gun at the man who'd just been shoved to the ground, I could hear a woman say, “You move, you die. You talk, you die.”

Where were the other robbers? Before I have any more time to wonder an awful silence falls, even the wind itself seems to quiet. A man steps out from a parked truck. I can barely see him as he enters the camper. All I catch sight of is his backside, the red of a bandana around his neck and the baseball bat swinging at his side. 

The forbidding hush prevails, there was not so much as the breaking of a twig to be heard. I long for something, any noise to cut through this awful emptiness, so harsh it makes my ears buzz. This desire is granted a few moments later, but I wish it hadn't been. An eerie whistling sounds, only here and there at first but quickly picked up by others, until a cacophony of the discordant melody overwhelms everything. Several people run past me. I can't be sure but they look like they're carrying something. Without warning they enter the clearing. Lights flash on. As my heart continues to pound I fear it will choke me. My eyes adjust to the sudden brightness. People standing in front of me partially block my view but I can still make out some of the robbers from that night at the compound holding a stretcher. Six, including whoever is being carried. Their panic is as acute as mine, probably more so. Spinning, each takes in the sight of the army surrounding them on all sides. Some feebly raise guns; they must know what a futile effort those would be against so many. Unearthly whistling continuing, there's a brief moment when fear overpowers my mind and I fade into the log around me. When my eyes are once again able to focus, the whistling’s ceased. Now the robbers are mostly still, anxiously shuffling from foot to foot. 

Someone talks into the quiet. I recognize the speaker from that night in the compound, when Liam and I had been hiding in the cupboard. A few seconds of scrambling and my mind recalls: Simon. Voice gravely, yet smooth, he addresses the newcomers. “Good. You made it. Welcome to where you're goin’.” Sluggish seconds crawl by before he continues. Raising his arms deliberately, he states, “We'll take your weapons. Now.” A gun raises to point at the robbers, emphasizing this point. 

No one moves. A man, holding the front of the stretcher, begins to beg, sounding hoarse. “We can talk about it…”

Simon interjects harshly. “We're done talking. Time to listen.” His rocky voice sends a shiver down my spine, the absolute authority, the sureness… the venom, bubbling beneath the calm exterior. As if a common mind connects them several of the horde surround the robbers, stripping their defenses. Helpless, the bandits stand, nothing to do but watch as it happens. 

Simon moves in, removing a gun from the hands of a boy with a hat. He looks to be saying something but I don't hear him again until he raises his voice. “Okay. Let's get her down and getcha all on your knees. Lots to cover.”

Brushing off the men who attempt to take the makeshift gurney, the robbers lay the woman down gingerly. Each man who had been carrying her help her to her feet but she can barely move. They half drag her closer to their camper at the far end, stopping to kneel right in the middle of the circle. Whoever had been removed from the camper earlier is himself dragged to join them. 

“Dwight!”

“Yeah?” 

“Chop-chop.” 

A blonde man steps out from the circle of the horde. I can barely see what he's doing from my vantage point. Several more who, before just now were somewhere out of sight, are brought out and made to kneel in the growing line. 

Simon's voice once again purrs to life, clawing through my ears. “All right! We got a full boat. Let's meet the man.” Two rapid knocks of his knuckles reverberate on the camper. Insanity in the face of gruesome anticipation teeters in the back of my mind. 

The man who'd entered the camper earlier steps out, baseball bat resting across his left shoulder. His presence is nearly palpable and it's like two have exited from the door: him and his aura. Again, I recognize a voice. This had been the one barking out orders. Yet again his words ring through my head.  _ It is gonna be  _ **_fun_ ** _ making them pay. _

“Pissing our pants yet?” Sauntering up to the kneeling line he goes on, sounding rough and in control. “Boy, do I have a feeling we're getting close. Yep. It's gonna be pee-pee pants city here real soon. Which one of you pricks is the leader?”

Simon points to a curly haired form with a brown jacket. This was the man who'd been hauling the front of the stretcher. “This one. He's the guy.”

My eyes follow his leather jacket, baseball bat still resting across it, as he strides closer to the individual. The leader of the robbers. “Hi. You're Rick, right? I'm Negan. And I do not appreciate you killing my men.” Rick. So this was the man responsible for us losing out on those medicines. Momentarily I imagine the past few days passing differently. In my mind's eye I see Liam, Marvin, Emma and I searching the compound, finding the medicines and running back home. I see Red Springs being discovered and overtaken by these men and women. Imagining my own group in the robbers place, kneeling there in front of these people, in front of Negan, causes my blood to run cold. 

Snapping out of this image, I listen in to what Negan is saying. “You have no idea how not cool that shit is. But, I think you’re gonna be up to speed shortly.” His voice drops, but despite that I’m able to catch what he says. His words seem to carry no matter how softly he speaks. “You are so gonna regret crossing me in a few minutes.” A sickening smile covers his face. “Yes you are. You see, Rick, whatever you do, no matter what, you don’t mess with the new world order. And the new world order is this, and it’s really very simple. So, even if you’re stupid, which you very well may be,  _ you can understand it _ . You ready? Here goes. Pay attention.” With a brief pause he brings his barbed bat perilously close to Rick’s face. “Give me your shit… or I will kill you. Today was career day.” His long legs now start pacing up and down the row of bandits. Gleeful, almost childlike enthusiasm pours off him. “We invested a lot so you would know who I am and what I can do. You work for me now. You have shit, you give it to me. That’s your job. Now, I know that is a mighty big, nasty pill to swallow, but swallow it you most  _ certainly _ will.” Though I know no one is aware of my presence, I somehow feel that the next words are meant for me. “You ruled the roost. You built something. You thought you were safe. I get it. But the word is out. You are not safe. Not even close.” Images of blood and gore appear in my mind's eye. Red Springs, overrun, as Rose Valley had been. Only this time it’s Negan and his saviours who are ransacking. Familiar cries and screams reverberate inside me. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to shove them away as I normally do. Whatever Negan is saying now is only background noise to the circus of death and painful memories swirling in my mind.

Somehow I reign in the thoughts in time to hear Negan say, “But you killed my people, a whole damn lot of them. More than I’m comfortable with. And for that, for that you’re gonna pay. So now…” Negan relishes the tension in the air before sliding the next words off his tongue. “I'm gonna beat the holy hell outta one of you. This- this is Lucille, and she is awesome. All this, all this is just so we can pick out which one of you gets the honor.” I hear his next words but am unable to make sense of them. Fear induced vomit threatens to emerge. Closing my eyes I begin to count backwards from one hundred by threes. For a minute it actually helps but yells interrupt my distraction. Eyes flying open I see one of the robbers leap up before immediately being subdued with blows. The woman who’d been on the stretcher cries for them to stop, her voice shrill. 

Matter of factly, Negan states, “Nope. Nope, get him back in line.” As the man is dragged back in place he cries  _ No  _ again and again. His helpless sobs of fear, frustration, the worry for his loved ones tears through my heart so acutely I almost gasp aloud. 

“Don’t,” I will him to be quiet but he continues. “ _ Don’t _ .”

Again, my dinner threatens to break loose from my lips as I see Negan grin at these pitiful pleas, his dark chuckles only increasing my nausea. My nails dig into my palms. Now disgust mingles with terror and I wonder if I'll ever be able to feel anything again after this emotional drain.

“All right, listen,” Negan resumes his monologue. “Don’t any of you do that again. I will shut that shit down, no exceptions. First one’s free. It’s an emotional moment, I get it. Sucks, don’t it? The moment you realize you don’t know shit.” Negan pauses before resting his gaze on the boy with the wide-brimmed hat. “This is your kid, right? This is definitely your kid.” He's addressing Rick. 

_ Please no _ , I beg to anything listening.  _ Please no _ . 

“Just stop this!” Now, for the first time, a commanding tone outlines Rick's voice. Negan is quick it cut in.

“Hey! Do not make me kill the little future serial killer. Don’t make it easy on me. I gotta pick somebody. Eeeeverybody’s at the table waiting for me to order.” Negan’s sudden whistling cuts through the cold night. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to hear a whistle again without picturing this moment. Of course that was assuming I survived that long. For yet another time he paces up and down the line, flourishing his bat.  _ Lucille _ , as he’d called it. “I simply cannot decide.” He turns away, pretending to ponder this dilemma. “I got an idea.” Raising his weapon, he points it at Rick. “Eeenie…” He continues on, aiming at another and another of the group in no particular order. “meenie… miney… mo… catch… a tiger… by… his toe. If… he hollers… let him go. My mother… told me… to pick the very best one… and you… are…” Suspense sticks to the air, my skin, the woods all around me as he pauses. Finally, the bat rests in his outstretched hand, pointing to the victim. “...it. Anybody moves, anybody says anything, cut the boy’s other eye out and feed it to his father and then we’ll start. You can breathe, you can blink, you can cry. Hell you’re all gonna be doin’ that.” For the briefest of seconds I expect Negan to go on drawing it out, listening to the sound of his own horrid voice. Instead the bat is brought mercilessly down on the head of a broad, red-haired man. Screams from the robbers coax me to the edge of rationality. I can barely hear Negan as he shouts out. “Ho! Ho! Look at that. Taking it like a champ.” Puke, bitter and revolting, fills my mouth as the sludging sound of the bat across flesh and bone turns my stomach. “Damn!” Squelching blows echo again and again through the trees. I keep wishing for it to be over. Closing my eyes did nothing; the images just flashed across my eyelids. There was no escape. I was fucked. We were fucked. Some sense deep inside told me this was just the nightmare beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, hopefully if you've made it this far in the story this feels like some kind of payoff. I'm very excited for what's coming up in the story.


End file.
